The whole facade of living sometimes tires me. Sometimes I find it incredibly tiring to wake up and get out of bed and face the world...my life. I wonder what will happen when I actually have a life...a husband, a family, a pet - even a plant? How will they survive, when I can barely get out of bed some days?

Maybe it is easier - to buy into the plan before you know the details and just work it out as you go? Instead of living on your own for a while and growing up? Who knows.

I feel like, just when I learn a life lesson, I make another mistake.

I make a lot of mistakes.

Cubicle Girl once told me that I have to deal with myself first, before finding someone. The problem is, I don't know how to deal with myself. I'm not sure what my actual *problem* may be. I have done such an excellent job of putting the bad things of my past behind me, that I no longer know what could be wrong.

Maybe nothing's wrong?

*~*

I want to quit smoking. I'm talking about it a lot, but I'm not there yet. I keep hearing this line from "28 Days" in my head - "...and I thought to myself, this isn't a way to live, this is a way to die."

I lived the greater part of my life tempting death. Everytime I used, that was a way to die. I thought I was living life to the fullest. But really, I was exploring ways to die.

There was a time in my life when I thought about dying a lot. Ways to do it. What it would be like. How the people in my life would cope with it. I started talking to everyone about it. I researched and started, a book about suicide. I read manuscripts and biographies and published works, of people who did it. I guess it's good that I overthought it so much, because it prevented me from doing it.

*~*

I think, occasionally, about the people I've been. I think about how I treated people. I wonder how those people are? I wonder if they are ok...I wonder if they are emotionally stunted? I hope they aren't.

I wonder how I can be this old and this young at the same time?

*~*

The thing about a 12-step program, is that I could never complete step 7 or whatever it is - the one where you have to apologize and ask forgiveness of the people you wronged. The list is too long.

Humans are fragile. Our casing is fragile, our emotions are even more so.

*~*

I wonder what my contribution to this world might be. Sometimes I think it's one thing, but then I decide that's not enough. It's never enough.

Nothing I do is ever enough. When will it be enough?

*~*

Zetho told me that life is simple, but people make it complicated. I am one of those people.

I invite complication.

These are things you should know about me.

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