Usually, I walk in a warm and welcoming world. I try to treat other people with love and kindness. I do.

Yet, every so often, I find myself staring down the barrel of a loaded gun in the nimble hands of a mercenary who would like nothing more than to bleed me into the afterlife.

My natural reaction to a situation like this is talk my way out. I'm a pretty good talker. And even though I am bubbling over inside with fear and frustration and anger, I try to take a step back and think of a plan.

Today there wasn't much time for a plan and I hate that. The soldiers came at me - sneak attack - and I had to jump in and fight.

It's funny how you don't lose your instincts to survive, isn't it? I kinda retired that part of me years ago, and evolved into a person who prefers to work with love and kindness.

But when they attack, I still fight with everything I've got.

That's what happened today. Before I knew what was happening, my instincts preserved me. I became that person I was back in the day. The tuff one. The fighter. The one who never takes any shit and looks for fights.

And here I am, still standing.

So yes, *Dollface*, I did delete some entries. Yes, I got scared. But more importantly, I was reminded today that you can't always just put honesty out on the table and expect everything to be okay. Sometimes, honesty doesn't even help. Sometimes, honesty can get you in a heap of trouble.

And in answer to your other questions, I smoked my face off last night. I did. I went out and got drunk with people I barely know at a piano bar in the West Village and was comforted by beautiful gay men from Europe.

How 'bout that?

Listen, do you want me to explain this cryptic entry and my strange behavior? Everything is just...overwhelming right now.

The way things work for me, is that once something starts to go wrong, everything in my life follows suit. It's like a chain reaction. It's probably great entertainment for people to watch. Maybe I should let some camera crew follow me around like my friend suggested?

I really try to hold on because I think that my karma will police the cycle but for some reason my karma is unpoliced. Someone call Thom Yorke. I wasn't assigned any police and everything in my life just runs hari-kari.

And once it starts, I fuel the cycle. I shake it up. I can't leave well enough alone. I pick at the pull until the whole intricately woven material is a mess of yarn and totally unfixable.

So that's what I've done.

I've fucked everything up. In a matter of a few days. My work, my personal life, my health...am I missing anything?

I just...I just...

I just don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

I'm tired. I want it all to end. It want someone to save me because I am too tired of saving myself.

Too tired. Beaten down. Tired of these people beating me with their guns and the karma police doing nothing.

I want to stop it.

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