Well kids, it's springtime and that means that my phone is ringing off the hook with calls from fair maidens whom are head over heels over someone else. In other words, my friends are all connie and they are calling me up and asking me for advice after they break down for me their absurd obessive compulsive behaviors employed to snare a boy.

And that's why, today's entry will be:

Partygirl's Guidelines To Letting Go of Unrequited or Bad Love

DO NOT send an e-greeting to a guy the day after your first date.

DO NOT spontaneously call the boy you like and tell him you are coming over because you are "in the neighborhood." It's weird and you look like a stalker. Trust me.

DO NOT drunken dial the boy you like and profess your love on his machine.

DO NOT repeatedly call the boy you like and hang up when you get his machine. HELLO - people have caller ID, you freak!

DO NOT fall into the trap of believing that you have something evolving with a guy because you have made out with him several times at last call. He probably doesn't remember and you didn't either, until an eyewitness pieced together your night for you.

DO NOT call a guy you dated and liked and ask him why you haven't heard from him. It's just not cool.

DO NOT let a guy into your apartment when he calls after 11PM and professes his love.

DO NOT believe a guy who tells you that he's breaking up with his girlfriend for you.

DO NOT believe yourself when you tell yourself that you are mature enough to have a sex with a guy who clearly wants no committment.

DO NOT profess your love in drunken e-mails. Any e-mails of this sort should be saved, for a re-read when you sober up. Trust me on this one.

DO NOT send a guy anything after a first date. No plants, no cards, no CD's, no "Oh, I saw this signed poster of the Sex Pistols and remembered you are a fan so I thought I'd drop it off."

DO NOT drop your plans when a guy calls at 6PM on a Saturday and says he wants to go out. However, it is okay to tell him you have plans with friends and invite him to join you. However, DO NOT invite the guy if you are going out with your gay-guy friends because 1)They are ruthless and will convert him, and 2) You just can't compete with the man-on-man. I tell my girls this time and time again, but they don't listen. HE'S NOT BI, LADIES, HE'S BORED.

DO NOT fall for a guy who: a)loves Diva's Live, b) wears pink pants, c) watches Oprah when Dr. Phil is on, d) has posters of Dolly Parton on his walls, e) sings along to Donna Summer, f) perks up at the mention of circuit parties, g) lists the book "A Boy Named Phyllis" as one of his favorites, or h) owns VHS or DVD copies of "Pricilla, Queen of the Desert". Friends, these men, albeit beautiful, are not playing on your team. And frankly, a guy who admits to watching "Will and Grace" is also suspect.

DO NOT hook up with a guy who thinks he's gay but you think otherwise. You cannot bring that back to our side. This is a tuff lesson to learn.

DO NOT pursue guys who speak freely with you about girls he thinks are hot. He's clearly telling you that his eyes are roaming elsewhere.

DO NOT hook up with guys your friends have been with. It's always a disaster. And there are plenty of men out there so just throw that fish back in for someone else.

DO NOT think that you can be friends with a guy that you have had sexual relations with. Doesn't work. There's a subliminal mind-fucking that will go on in your relationship and it's not healthy for either of you. Not to mention that as the friendship grows, you'll think of the guy fondly again and will start to think, maybe I should give him another shot? NOoooooooooo. If you need friends, join a book club.

DO NOT kiss your guy friends. It fucks everything up.

DO NOT hook up with people you work with. This is a basic premise but people mess this up all the time.

DO NOT date men who live in your apartment building if you are not mature enough to deal with the consequences after you break up.

DO NOT hook up with a guy you feel badly for because he has problems. You are not a therapist. You are not capable of fixing someone else. If you actually are a therapist, don't hook up with him anyway because that's unprofessional.

DO NOT hook up with a guy who has a good rap. That rap got good because he's laid it on so many naive chicks like you who fell for it. Smarten up!

DO NOT get serious with guys who have drug problems or gambling problems. They need help not sex. Sex isn't helping.

Also DO NOT get involved with a guy who has completed a rehab program in the last six months. He's not ready for an emotional involvement, he's trying to get straight. One fight with you and the guy's using again.

DO NOT stay with a guy who has raised a hand to you and apologized. It will happen again.

DO NOT get serious with a guy who cheated in his last serious relationship. Once a cheat-ah, always a cheat-ah.

Sometimes, ladies, the best thing to do is WALK AWAY. Cut off all contact. Seven days is all it takes. After that, you hardly even remember his sweet kisses. Trust me.

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