I�d like to introduce you to my friends, also known as �The Retirement Club.�

I currently have more friends not working than gainfully employed. And don�t blame the new economy, kids. Not the Recession that Greenspan says we�re not in even though we are and everyone knows it yet the government continues to execute the historical pattern plan of only acknowledging recessions *after* they are over.

Back to my friends. I�ve been steadily observing them dropping from the ranks of the employed and it�s getting out of control.

Last week, my friend C. received an e-mail from P. (one of the unemployed) on a Wednesday at 1PM. He was inviting everyone available to a pool party and BBQ that afternoon. And there were a lot of people on that e-mail.

P. is really the founder of the Retirement Club. He�s about 33 and has worked about a total of 5 years since graduating a prestigious Jesuit college.

His college buddy M. is right behind him, having initially retired at 27 for a year during which time he hung out and sunned himself at his parents. Then he got a job for like 5 years and is now retired again. He�s thinking of moving down to the shore and enjoying the rest of the summer.

My friend S. graduated from another prestiguous Jesuit university for undergrad and has her MBA in International Business. She's also "hanging out."

The President of the Club is my friend R. who had everyone beat when he quick his job 5 years ago and moved to VT. He�s a ski bum all winter and then comes to the shore for the summer. He was getting bored this summer, so he decided to work at Domino�s to meet people. He�s having problem getting the days off that he needs to keep up with summer concerts and parties so he may be quitting soon.

My brother�s roommate quit his job last fall. He�s waiting tables at the shore. He�s 33.

Another friend, D. quit her job last Friday and took off on Saturday to travel cross-country with her husband for a month.

Then we have the teachers, who are all off and my friends in TV who are on hiatus.

So basically, I am the last working stiff. Now, I know you think I am exaggerating, but seriously, listen to this�.

Last week, one of my friends VOLUNTEERED to be laid off. You heard me. His company was announcing major layoffs and after the staff meeting he approached his boss and mentioned that if he wasn�t on that list, he was open to being added. Because as he said to me, �July and August are *the* months of leisure. It really is fabulous. You should quit and join me!� Then he had to go because a bunch of other unemployed people stopped by.

I can�t even make this shit up. It pains me.

And then there are the calls. They call me. ALL. THE. TIME. From mid-day cocktails in the West Village to the counter at Banana Republic. To discuss last night�s fun, tonight�s plan or cheap fares to Europe for a long weekend. I mean, are you fucking kidding me????

I just want to know why I didn�t get the memo about the Retirement Club? Where�s my fucking membership? I like to sleep in and go for long lunches and jet set! I am FUN, damnit! I wouldn�t get bored � not even once! I would bake cupcakes for the pool party! I could whip up a batch of exotic cocktails!! I make blender drinks! I could do cigarette runs. Roll joints all day. Keep the cookie jar filled if ya know what I�m talkin� about. I have SKILLZ!

Life is so unfair. I want a new identity. This one doesn't want to work anymore.

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