It is with a stomach filled with margarita's that I write this for you and for me.

I have come to this strange crossroad in life.

It's like having hiked 10 miles and made choices along the way. Like crossing a great distance making major choices to survive. I chose the highwater path to avoid high rivers that I were impassable. I avoided paths that I knew were governed by bears and bypassed a snake pit. I quickly erected a bridge to cross a swamp that I knew was filled with alligators. And then 10 miles later, unscathed, I reached an intersection with several forked paths and suddenly I can no longer make a decision. I just don't know which path to take and so I find myself standing, with no direction.

I guess other people found this earlier in life. Maybe in high school, when dating, or when selecting colleges. I never did that. I always knew what I wanted. I knew who I liked and who I didn't. I knew where I was going to college upon sight. I applied to five and was accepted to all, but one of them was the only place I was open to attending. And so I went.

I wanted to live abroad and I made it happen. Exactly where I wanted to go. I knew the countries I wanted to see, and I went, alone in the end when everyone else had to travel home, I carried on through Europe, finding my way even when all of my money was lost prior to my initial destination.

My parents call me strong-willed, past co-workers have called me ambitious and driven; my friends who know what I've been through call me a survivor.

I see things as black and white. I size things up fast and react proactively. I give solid advice and approach problems with solutions.

Now, for the first time in my life, I am facing stalemate. I don't know where to go. I have no direction. I can�t make a decision. I hate it. It scares me. It scares the living shit out of me. From one day to the next, I feel like I have lost control and that each day is a battle. Work. Friends. Family.

I am feeling. Total. Loss.

A total and intangible loss. I don't know what I have lost. I am on the same ground professionally but I am seceding my power. I am giving in to the political struggles at work. I am breaking down. I can't explain it. With each success, I feel failure. Some small failure in my successes that I find and internalize. I am not as good as I want to be, and worse, my job is no longer fun.

I firmly believe that work should be fun. It should never penetrate your personal life, because it's work. But for some reason, I can't find the fun within me.

I carry on like before and I suspect that no realizes the change outside of work. I am out on the town, and as crazy as ever. And truthfully, my play time is the only time I feel like myself anymore. The weekends are so glorious to me that I find myself in tears on Sunday's.

Two weeks ago, when saying good-bye to my parents, my father grabbed me as he kissed my cheek, and he said in my ear, "You are a survivor. You come from a long line of survivors. No one can break you down, unless you allow them to do so. Remember where you come from. Show them."

My mother was holding my other arm and asked him what was going on. "That asshole," my father said over my head like I'm a 10 year-old who had just gotten beat up by the school bully, "she doesn't want to go back and deal with that asshole at work."

My mother, the non-cursor (I'm talking the biggest cruse out my mother's perfect mouth is "sugar!" - SWEAR), says, "What asshole! Is someone giving you a hard time?"

And there I stood on the verge of tears, bags on my shoulders, my parents staring one to the other, like ducks protecting a duckling, wanting to crawl up their collective asses and hide from the lake-creature.

But I kept it together and mustered up something stoic, along the lines of "no one will beat me." And I faced it. I've been facing it. I've been using everything in my arsenal, but the negative forces are draining me.

I am lucky to have such a great family and friends. It's the only thing that keeps me fighting. Each day feels like being shut in an airless room, each inch won like an airhole I've dug to draw my next breath. And then I immediately think about my next breath. Where can I penetrate the walls? How can I win?

Challenges and obstacles are my forte. Direct negative energy is my kryptonite. It strips me of my powers.

But it's more than my job, although that's a large portion of my angst. It's my life. Where am I going? What do I want to be doing? Which trail should I take? Will I encounter another hiker along the way to keep me company; to help me find my way when I doubt my compass?

It's time to channel my passion into life's work. I'm 28 and I feel this massive onus to choose a path. To begin on where I want to go. I yearn for something stable. Anything. Up until now I have been a nomad. My life is chaos in a way you couldn't even imagine. I have no routine. I draw no lines in the sand. I race against time to do everything in one fell swoop. I keep up with everyone. I can meet three or four different groups of people out in one night at five different destinations. I am INSANE. People tell me all the time.

But now I find myself second-guessing myself: Where am I going? What is my plan? Who is coming with me? I need to know.

I find myself looking at the faces of men I see around and wondering if they have the answer. If they are the answer. That's so fucked up, I think. You don't need someone to define you. I define me, I try to reassure myself, but that's not the truth.

I want someone. I do. It's so wrong isn't it? But I want to be close to someone. I want decisions made for me sometimes. I want someone to tell me that it's okay not to do everything; that it's okay to leave before last call.

I want to trust someone.

I'm tired of carrying these bags myself. I want to put them down. I want some help with this fucking brick wall I carry every day.

I don't need anymore friends. I have friends plus four score of them. I love them. I thank God that I have them and that they think about me as much as they do.

Yet, I want to go away and forget about all of this. I want to forget about friends getting married and friends raising children and friends buying houses and friends out of work and I want to return missing them and dying to catch up and to hear what I missed.

I want to be the one with news. I want something. Something other than friends who love me and their boyfriends and husbands who want to hang out with me and a job that gives me more work because I get things done.

I want...a future. Now.

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