I am crying so hard I can barely type.

I am so exhausted, emotionally, physically and spiritually that I just finally broke after what must have been the 200th call we've received in the last 24 hours.

We have done everything possible. My roommate and I have been at every hospital south of 68th Street checking list after list for her husband.

We have filed police reports, medical examiner reports, patient reports and even reports with the Red Cross.

We have been strong and sat through interview after interview about this guy who married our best friend just this March and whose wedding we were in.

And we did this early, so he's one of the first reported. We ran from hospital to hospital with photos of him, desparate, and came up with nothing. No patients were coming in.

We got home around 1am to another call from the Medical Examiner's office to go BACK to NYU Medical Center at 5AM. Betting we'd have to walk since it's now a ghost town here, a minor shell of what once was, we left at 4:15AM and made it there by 4:45AM. We checked the lists of patients again and he wasn't on them and we listened to a nurse who has been down at the site since yesterday gently explain to us that this is now a recovery mission and not a rescue mission.

At 5AM, everything started to hit us. We weren't so cocky about finding him after being around these rescue workers who are being dragged into hospitals unconscious just from shifting debris. Looking at cars covered in white cement dust, with parts of the auto body blown off. And these are cars that arrived at the scene LONG after the buildings fell.

But a true sense of reality, is sitting in a room with 15 other faith-filled family members looking for other young, vital missing persons 22-hours after and accident. I stared at the wooden walls of the huge auditorium and stared straight ahead with hot tears burning down my face while a counselor asked me the same questions I've answered for the last 12 hours.

While I tried to pull it together I heard one girl who had been searching restlessly for her sister all night with a group of well organized friends, just lose it. This wailing that came out of her...MY GOD...I have never heard this kind of PAIN....it tore through me and made me shake and realize that they were all young and fit. Not just my friend's husband and his young friends, most of these people in the building. And they couldn't have all gotten out. The building was sliced in HALF. It crumbled in seconds.

And as we were shuffled to the police again to review the report we had filed nearly 12 hours before, we finally asked, "what in hell are we supposed to tell his wife? What do we tell his family?" And these amazing young men, our age and younger, reached out and grabbed our arms and said, you tell her you've done everything you can and all that's left to do is hope and pray.

We kind of nodded numbly and left the building, escorted to a Salvation Army Truck outside with food and drinks.

It was about 8am when we finally emerged. The sun being up just reminded me that we were losing our fight. In the darkness of night, it was okay. We had time. We had possibilities. but now, nearly 24 hours later, we were exhausted and we had learned too much. We had been too close to the rescue and we now understood the complete devastation.

Complete devastation. There are only hundreds of people who've been treated. There were 50,000 in the two towers combined. Do you understand? Tens of thousands...where are they?

We came home to more messages. We prepared to relay the latest. But how can you relay something like this?

You can't. And so, 5 hours later, I am still crying uncontrollably. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, I haven't showered and I have the most incredible headache.

I just need time now. No more phone calls. I can't go to another hospital and talk to another nurse or doctor or fireman or cop or volunteer. I can't look at that fucking Excel spreadsheet of names again. That stupid spreadsheet that they can't update fast enough. I want volunteers to stop touching me and hugging me and telling me their prayers are with me.

I just want to know now. I want this all to end. It hurts so much.

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