It just weird, to walk the streets of your American city and watch camoflauge hummer after camoflauge hummer teeming with armed soliders wearing combat helmets roll down the avenues.

It's like another world, to show your drivers license to pass through a miltary guarded barricade and enter a restaurant.

I haven't been able to go to Union Square. I've seen the photos and I think what people have done is amazing, but I can't face that kind of overwhelming collective grief yet. I'd like to go and hang some photos of my friends, but I can't do it yet.

I was able to get a pedicure today. Business as usual, isn't that what our President said?

I also placed an order for Xanex and Valium, and made plans to drug myself into high noon of the following WEEK after these memorials.

I don't even drink anymore. I think I've drank twice in the last three weeks. That's scaring me. I've been terrorized sober! What the hell is that?

I've regained some faith. I spoke with my friend today, the one who lost her father, her boyfriend and her best friend in under three years.

She's very insightful and made me feel better about the loss of these young people. She told me about her time trying to get back on her feet after each death and she told me that she honestly believes that she wouldn't be here today without the strength of the souls of the three she lost. She firmly believes that she wasn't able to get out of bed everyday with her own strength and that sometimes, it was their strength on the other side that kept her going.

I think maybe she's right. People who leave us provide us with the internal strength we need to fight for our lives. Maybe that's how I've kept going? I think maybe my aunt that died and my grandparents, maybe they've been with me through these days and they were the ones who pushed me when I felt like I was going to fall over but instead I walked to another hospital to check another list.

My friend said, they aren't here, but can lend their length from a spiritual realm. They are in a better place and they are definitely not here, she said. But they respond to our doubts and our anger and our frustration by invisibly pushing us to continue.

She's Jewish, but she believes in Heaven. You have to believe in Heaven she told me, and I think she's right.

I think that nothing will be the same again, but that everything will be better. I think that we will be stronger and more kind moving forward.

I hope that I will be.

Oh, and P.S. - It's official, I *am* Courtney...

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