I hadn't seen the footage of the towers being hit since the morning it happened. Even then, when it happened, I saw the first tower in a replay and as I was watching, I saw the second plane hit the South Tower and I walked out of my office. I walked through crowds of people, shocked, staring at the screens throughout my workplace and I felt them look at me as I walked directly outside and chain smoked about 5 cigarettes as I wondered if my roommate was alive. I hadn't even given a thought to the others yet.

I remember a friend coming outside to see if I was okay and I remember smiling and telling her that I was fine and I was sure that everyone I knew was fine but that I didn't need to watch it. I didn't want to see it.

People started freaking out. I remember them running up to me, "The Tower fell!" and "The Pentagon's been hit"...I can't remember which order they told me. I remember trying to call my family but our phone lines were out because they ran through the Verizon building located at Ground Zero.

I remember feeling an incredible sense of calm while people at work panicked. I remember not wanting to hear about it and walking away from TV's. I remember people trying to tell me as the news broke and me holding up my hand and saying "Please. Not now. I don't want to know." I remember one of my co-workers snapping at me, "You don't want to know?! You need to know! This is reality and you'd better get a grip!" I remember wanting more than anything in the world to smack her across the face and internally controlling myself.

I remember I left work that day less out of fear for my own safety and more because I just couldn't be around the people who were freaking out. It was just pandemonium and I couldn't get in touch with anyone.

In the days following, as you know, I was searching non-stop. There was no time to watch footage of buildings that had fallen. In retrospect, I wonder which is worse: having watched or having gone through "the process?"

I guess everyone is so concerned about me because they've all seen what I hadn't. And having not seen that footage and instead,jumping right in, I was confident we would be the miracle. We would find our friends.

Coming to terms with the fact that we didn't find them, without having seen that footage, in retrospect, was a colossal task.

Yesterday, I briefly saw the footage while at work, and stared at the TV with my mouth agape. To say I had no idea, is underplaying it.

But not until just now, when I fully saw it happening again on MTV, did I understand.

They never even knew what happened. My guys were making calls. Some of them were in the 1993 bombing, so they thought they knew the drill and they were on the phones reassuring their clients.

They didn't think a second plane was hitting. Why would they? It should have been an accident. A horrible, tragic accident. But a second plane? Terrorism? That would never have crossed their minds. And that the buildings would come down - that's the unimaginable. Why would they?

The truth is, because they were so high up, even if they had left, they wouldn't have gotten out alive.

I feel like I'm over this, and then something like seeing that footage happens, and here I am, caught again in this place.

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