I would just like to direct anyone I met on Friday night, here, to clarify my actions.

*~*

It's 5am and I'm home alone. Again. There was this guy tonight, whom I've known for 6 years who kept hinting about sex. Not so subtley. This is an ongoing thing. And he's a great guy and he makes me laugh, but he's just not it, you know?

I know people think I'm fucked up. They wonder why I just don't take nice guys home and fool around.

Here it is, once and for all. That's not what I'm about. Sex means more to me. Sex isn't a release, it's an entry. It's walking through a door into something cosmic.

If I want to be with a guy, then I want to be with him. Period. I'm not one of those people who can try someone out or just get down for the sake of it. And I always know right away. Unfortunately, there have only been about three guys in the last few years that I felt that way about.

I don't get drunk and beer goggle. Ever. If anything, I become more critical. I want the stars and the planets to align. I follow that feeling I get in my tummy. It has to be there or forget it.

I want to quit smoking. That's a new goal. I'm going to stop because I think I'm getting lung cancer.

Tonight I told my friends about my rehab dream from the previous entry and they bought a round of shots and asked if they could come with me. I'm pretty sure they were all serious.

I tried to sneak out of the bar at one point because no one would let me leave. I crawled under a sectioned off staircase and tried to crawl up the stairs to cross through the second floor and come down the far side and out the side door.

The owner caught me crouched on the stairs and busted me. Apparently the upstairs was already locked. He was laughing. I tried to explain the situation in a stage whisper but the group of guys nearby started doing the "mission impossible" theme song while I was explaining and then the whole thing was a wash.

I think a lot about my life here. About moving away. It's been 7 years. A crazy 7 years.

I'm young enough to start over somewhere. I wonder where I should I go? Where I could go?

I have no vision of myself aging. That concerns me, like maybe deep down, I know I'm going to die young. I never imagined myself reaching this age, hence why I had no plan or focused a career or a stable life.

I'm thinking I may need to start planning for being around for a while. I think this winging it shit may get old.

I don't think I'll stay here forever. But the question is: Where will I go and should I leave now?

I'm at a pivotal point in life. Decisions need to be made within the next few weeks.

It's time to get serious.

I think I'll go to the Met tomorrow.

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