I got really fucked up last night. There was all sorts of self created drama with worlds colliding and a surprise birthday cake for me and 100 or so people singing in my face after I smoked some crazy joint someone gave to me and I was seeing everyone through this insane cheech and chong haze and really I couldn't have even told you my name.

Walking through my apartment, was like wading deeper and deeper into the ocean. Familiar faces washed over me like waves. Touching me as I passed. Smiling at me. Talking to others as moved on like the tide moving out.

It felt like Pamplona, with me as the bull set loose and the guests chasing me, so I left with 3 people. A roommate tried to stop me, drunkenly screaming in my face, "This is unacceptable," but numbed from the drink and the drugs I stood and stared blankly at the elevator door, ignoring her body thrown against it and screaming in my face.

We got into the elevator and the people with me tried to recover from the confrontation as I quietly held onto the walls that seemed to be moving in and out like a funhouse ride and managed a smile for them.

We got the street and I realized I was in no condition to go to a bar, but faced with the reality of going back my carnival-like apartment, we forged onward.

We went to the bar closest to us and I drank water, fast as they could serve it. Glass after glass. After 3 pints I slid off my stool and left.

I returned to my place, which had now evolved into a bad imitation of Studio 54, loudly declared that everyone should leave - immediately, went upstairs and threw up.

A visitor said today, "This place is crazy. Look at this apartment, it's not a place you could be comfortable in and lay low. It's designed to push everything out the way for a large crowd. Boston has the right idea. There's no reason for anything to be open beyond 2AM. Anything that happens between 2-5PM is a bad idea. Period."

She's right. I love this city but it is going to kill me. I have no control here. I cannot behave like a sane person here. Can anyone? Obviously no one I know.

Manhattan is an amusement park for adults. I guess I'm not one of those people who tires of amusement parks. You'd think that living in it would quelch the desire to continue riding it everynight but it doesn't.

I have a friend in Las Vegas who's been living there for 6 years. She's leaving now. At first, I thought she missed the east Coast and home but now I understand she is faced with the same predicament.

She loves the rides too. She can't stop herself from taking just one more ride. She screams for it to go "higher and higher" and has no authority figure telling her that the ride is over.

People like us have to get out or die.

First thing I'm going to do when I get out is make up a bumper sticker. It's going to read, "Life's a party and then you die."

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