Sometimes, like today, I feel like I give a whole lot to the people in my life and I wonder when this karma is going to come back to me.

Will it come back all at once, with one really big, amazing gift, or will it be littler things sprinkled through my lifespan?

Then I think, maybe all of my giving evens out the meanness I've doled out in my lifetime, like when I sometimes laugh uncontrollably when someone mentions a handicap. I know that is really evil and I don't want to laugh, but I have this freak reflex that makes me laugh uncontrollably and I do work to control it. It's some weird psychoreaction. So maybe my giving is just cancelling out those bad things.

Maybe this is as good as it gets? Life in NYC as a second rate partygirl flitting on the skirts of someone else's limelight. Maybe this is it for me?

That is just depressing.

I don't know, I look around me and I see things happening for people I've run around with for years. I see them with their own TV shows and featured on fashion pages in the Post and I wonder, where's my feature? What have I done?

Nothing, except help them get there.

That needs to change. Pronto.

For a good laugh at how off these quizzes are, check this, which could not be further from the truth. I am so not indie and I am even less cool:

i am a scenester!

How indie are you? test by ridethefader
You are so indie it hurts. You hang out with the coolest people in your city. It doesn't even bother you that none of them know your name. You know lots of bands personally, you know a couple of guys from We Hate The Mainstream Records, and you blag your way into getting almost everything for free. That fanzine you write gives you extra kudos. You probably don't even care that non-scenesters think you're a pretentious fuck.

Except for that last part. I *definitely* don't care that non-scenesters think I'm a pretentious fuck. Fuck them. I'm not looking for any more friends.

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