10:03 p.m. | 2002-11-08


I feel like a big loser for staying in on a Friday night, but this week has been heinous.

I started running, if you can call it that, about two months ago. I've never been a runner. I actually hate running. But I'd like to get in shape, and I was inspired by frogs, so I started. I also do it because I like to eat and if I run 5 times a week, I feel like it's okay to eat the crap that's around my office. That's probably not a good motivator to run, but it's my motivator.

Mostly it's a fast walk with intervals of running, but I've managed to take about 3 minutes off my mile since I've started, so that's some improvement.

I've noticed that when I miss a day of running, I feel massive guilt. It's a really weird thing, because I don't enjoy running. It's actually painful for me, because I have weak ankles. I also smoke, which can't help.

I run in the morning before work, because I work such long hours, if I tried to run after work, I would never get to the gym.

On Thursday, I woke up at 5:45AM to run. That pretty much sucked, but I had to be at work by 8AM and I wanted to get that run in.

I got to work early and prepped for my meeting that day. Then I had to leave with some co-workers and attend a meeting in Westchester.

I arrived back at work around 4PM and ate lunch. I had McDonald's. I'm pretty sure that also defeats the purpose of running.

I worked quickly for 2 hours, responding to e-mails, providing direction to employee's and meeting with teams to provide counsel.

At 6PM, I changed from my suit and into normal clothes. I met some friends and headed to see my friend's husband's off, off, off, off broadway show. Those productions always kill me, to see these struggling actors working their asses off for 1 hours worth of shorts in front of 30 people in a black room. I always sit there and silently make projections about which 1 person might make it, and what careers the others should pursue before they are 40 and broke, still trying to act. It's a hard life and worse than that, a lottery to win. Acting. I wouldn't wish the bug on my worst enemy.

After the show, the group wanted to go out and celebrate. I tried to beg off, because I needed to get up and run this morning at 6AM. I was coerced out for a beer, and it was at that time that I announced that I've been running and I'd like to run a 5K. Not this year, maybe in 2003, but that's the goal. It's out there. I'd like to do that.

It's been on my mind for a few weeks. I've been working on the mental challenge of running. Real runners don't use head phones when they run, but they listen to their bodies and use their minds to overcome the physical battle. I am hoping that through running, more than being physically fit, I can better control the mental battle.

I have a theory that once you win the mental battle of running, it will apply to all areas of your life. That one barrier will build your mental stamina and bring you to a place of greater power. That's where I want to be.

When I think about people who run marathons, I am in awe of them pushing their bodies to run approx. 3 hours non-stop. Think about that. That is an amazing accomplishment. It is empowering. I'm not saying that I will run a marathon, but I have great respect for those who do.

I also would like to achieve a goal. I haven't had any goals in a long time, and maybe this isn't going to forward my career or fulfill my personal life, but it is a goal, and it will provide me with a sense of achievement.

Today, I overslept and didn't make it to the gym because of the drinks last night. I was really pissed off at myself all day. At one point, I reviewed a tape at work, with soundbites from world class female athletes talking about sports.

Suddenly, I paused and replayed a comment. She said, "It's not about comparing yourself to anyone else. You shouldn't quit because you aren't as good as so and so. You shouldn't say that you aren't athletically inclined. If you go out and participate in a sport, and do the best you can, you are pushing yourself physcially, mentally and spiritually. That's what athletics are about."

And maybe it's hokey, but I clicked with that philosophy. Maybe I'll never be as fast as the guy on the treadmill next to me. Maybe I'll never run a marathon. The point is that I'm doing the best I can, and if I continue to do that, I'll get better. And more importantly, I'll get stronger.

I really want to push this. I want the mental win. I have a goal.

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