First, read this. She is, so very far, ahead of her time. And if I could figure out how to make a @#%! cool template, this is exactly what I would want. Exactly.

I'd like to say more about this diary. But she leaves me speechless.

*~*

In a different vein, I've been reading gingi lately. Check it out.

*~*

This weekend, my life erupted. This happens about once a year (and only once if I am lucky). Usually around my birthday when I start to evaluate my life and I realize that I thought I would be world famous, like 3 years ago, and I freak out.

Because that's normal.

So I freaked out this weekend. I couldn't find my friend A. and I just like freaked, I guess. I can't really explain what happened. But I know that I started to panic when I thought about my life and being 27 and not really having anything to show for it. And I have been to like 9 weddings in 4 months and I am the single girl. And I have this great apartment for which I scrape together rent every month and I am in debt and I have this allegedly "big job" that I am allegedly "so great at" but quite frankly, I don't really like it. And what's worse is thinking that I don't really like my job and saying it and everyone saying, "oh but you are so good at your job" and me saying there's a difference between being good and being happy. And what's worse is trying to think of what I would like to do and not knowing....but knowing there are components of my job that I do like but not knowing how to make that into my dream job.

So I recently consulted on a MTV show, in my spare time. And they liked my ideas and asked me if I would come in as a consultant. So I am thinking this is what I should be doing. This is where all of my random knowledge and contacts would mesh. But of course the show hasn't been picked up yet. Story of my life.

Meanwhile, my friend C. is hasseling me about shooting my own show. But I sat down to write a script, and I had nothing. I mean, I know that I could be on-air. But I don't want to be on-air doing the same shit that everyone other talk show host since Donahue has done. Bore me a little more. So basically, I am doing nothing with my life.

All of this, hit me on Saturday. Actually, it started on Friday night. But Saturday was the melt down. Because then I started thinking about people I know. I mean, HELLO, my freakin' high school doubles partner married a MAJOR Hollywood movie star. This guy who had a crush on me a couple of years ago, and I totally flaked....right, well he won a freakin' EMMY last year. Literally, I was in my pajama's eating Ben and Jerry's watching him accept an Emmy.

This other friend, he used to lead karaoke hour around the city and I would go and help him out, cheer him on, bring a crowd to see him. Now he's got a development deal at Fox.

Almost Famous. That's *almost* my fucking life. With a better soundtrack. Talk to me.

So, I start trying to call A. and he's nowhere to be found. And I am becoming more erratic. In fact, ERRATIC is the perfect word to describe me. No doubt, Hurricane will back this up.

I leave this message on his cell phone, "Hi it's me, where are you? I'm looking for you...I really need to speak with you about something. Call me when you get the message!"

I call his apartment, freak out one of his roommates. They confirm that he's gone to London. I try to call his brother, call the wrong number.

I leave another message "Hi, it's me again. I'm afraid you are in London already and your cellphone isn't working...I have no idea where you are...[THEN I YELL] This is exactly why I told you it was a bad idea for you to move there...I knew this was going to happen...call me when you get this message."

This is when I become irrational. God knows what I was going to say when I got him, but I was on a mission to track him down. So I call his parents. Oh, yes, I did.

They weren't home.

So I left a message.

While bizzare, this is actually okay because his parents like me. But I have never called them before.

Then I call him again.

"::SIGH:: This is really a problem...I am having serious issues and I can't find you. Call me."

Shortly after this I find myself sitting on my bedroom floor smoking cigarettes, ashing in my green beanbag ashtray resting on my knee, silently crying and working my way through my entire address book, just to talk to people.

I call my friend Anna and I just lose it. "Anna, I am having a nervous breakdown. I'm losing it." She asks, "what's wrong?" And I blurt out, "Everyone around me touches gold and I touch limestone! Nobody wants limestone! They want gold, Anna, gold is worth something! I'm worth a birdbath!"

At this point, I can barely breathe, but to be honest that could have had something to do with the 10 cigarette's I just smoked....So Anna says, "Do you want me to tell you what I think?"

Lay it on me. "I think that you're feeling sorry for yourself. I think you know Jim is coming to see me this weekend and D. has her big party tonight and you feel left out and are having a pity party for yourself. And A. being gone is also another issue, and I don't know where that is coming from, but that is compounding all of this."

Hmmm, well, you know how I love a party!

She asks me, do you feel better now? I say, no, I wish I could speak with A. because he would yell at me and tell me I was being ridiculous. So she asks me if I want her to yell at me? I say yes. So she yells, "Enough already, stop feeling sorry for yourself and get over it already! You're pretty and fun and when you decide you want a boyfriend you'll get one. It's not like no one is interested."

So I got in the shower and went out.

Cut to, this morning, I come in to work and I have 1 message on my voicemail. From A. at 5:25AM U.S. time. He says, "Jesus Christ Partygirl! What in hell is going on over there??? My cell phone doesn't work but I got your messages. Here's my number, call me when you get in."

I call him and as I call him I take the BADASS CHICK QUIZ, figuring that should be a no brainer.

He picks up, "Partygirl! What's wrong? My cell phone doesn't work here."

"Oh nothing, I was having a late-twenties crisis. I'm over it. But I can't believe you left and didn't leave a forwarding number. I called your parents."

He laughs. He says, "Jesus, I got these messages and they were so funny I had to laugh and all I could think was that the next call I'm going to get is from someone telling me you're dead and I was laughing at the last messages you left for me." "Very funny," I say.

And as we're laughing, my Badass Chick score pops up. It says, "You exude just enough sexuality to control people. Overcompensating for insecurity, you thrive on attention."

Ain't that the truth.

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