Word Up, the Party is back. And she is feelin' a lotta love from her guestbook. Lotta love, people.
She's also wondering why she's talking about herself in the third person...hold on a minute...
Hi.
I'm back. I took an alleged "sick" day yesterday. Basically, this the message I left for my boss, "Hey, word up it's me. Listen, you know how we were talking about how I have vaca days left over but I can't use them before year's end? And how I never use my sick days? Well, I'm using one today. I mean, I'm dressed and showered and everything, so technically, I COULD come in today. But, I'm really tiiiiiiirrrrrrrreeeeeeddddd. And I have a shitload of stuff to do. I mean, I can't get any of my shopping done when I'm working from 9-6...so anyway, I'm not going to come in today. Call me and let me know if this is a problem. Peace, out."
So I slept until about 1PM and then, I braced myself for the hordes of holiday tourists as I entered the foreign terrain known as 5th Avenue.
In case you wanted to know, it's a shitshow. If you are planning on visiting NYC at holiday time, here are a few tips:
Don't just STOP in the middle of the sidewalk. That's like driving on the Autobahn and stopping. We have a pace going on here. One wrong step and you can fuck up dozens of people behind you. If you need to stop, you pull over to the curb, just like you park a car. I'm serious about this.
Similarly, don't walk staring up at the buildings. Yes, I realize you've never seen anything like it. Yes, it's daunting. But when you are straining your neck to see, you are, again, fucking up the flow of pedestrians.
Do not 1) walk and take pictures of the tall buildings or 2) stand at the curb and try to take a family photo of your kin at Tiffany's or any other touristy-type store. Again, you are fucking up the flow of pedestrian traffic. We need to get to places, and we don't have time for the Smith's from Minnesota to take a commemorative photo.
If you are a tourist, there is no reason for you and your family or friends to be out of your hotel wandering before 9:30AM. Those of us not on vacation, are hauling ASS to make it to work on time. We are used to our pace on the sidewalk and know exactly how long it takes us to speedwalk to the bus or subway and then speedwalk to our work places. We have it down to a science. When you and your peeps come to town, you are several extra bodies, in our way and walking at a slower pace. This now makes us late for work.
I am happy to give you directions on which subway lines to take, where to switch trains, or show you the exit in the train station. However, I'm not here to make chitchat and hear about your last trip to NYC in 1982.
Yes, I've already given to the Salvation Army, the Homeless on 34th Street Fund, the Homeless on 86th Street Fund, the Homeless on 145th Street Fund, the Homeless in Alphabet City Fund, the 96th Street Animal Shelter Fund, the Homeless's Animal Shelter Fund, Toys for Tots, the Doe Fund, the pay for heat in Guiliani's mansion fund, THE WORLD IS ENDING/SAVE YOURSELF Fund, the Hari Krishna Forever Fund, Jews For Jesus, UNICEF, The Missing Children Fund (yes, I looked at the flyer, no, I don't recognize any of the faces. I'm sorry.), and the multitude of other causes that I am sure are worthwhile but if you would take a fucking minute and realize that my coat isn't warm enough and is missing buttons maybe you would realize that, frankly, I've given all I can give.
There used to be one of those women near my subway stop, you know - one of those voodoo, women with a third eye who can see inside of you, who KNOW. She would see me get off of the subway, eyes diverted, body compactly carried, clutching my last dollar bill in my pocket, and when I started to hold it out for her, she would laugh that spooky cajun laugh at me, shaking that Erakah Badu headpiece back and forth and cackle "Ooooh, chile...I knows you ain't got money to spare...chile, you put that money back in your pocket and save it because you don' be knowin' how you get to work tomorra, honey." And then she would scream at the people around me during the evening rush hour, "Lookit the ba-bay givin' ma her last dolla'....what be the rest of you givin' bak? Nothin'! That's what you be givin' and that you be receivin' when you are judged on the los' day!" I would scurry off with my dollar in my pocket, thinking she was right and I didn't have a $1.50 to get to work the next day.
Things are better now. I can actually live like a real person. I have enough money to buy some toys for children who aren't expecting anything. I can give a dollar or two to the people ringing their bells on the street corner.
And since I have some money, I have some surprises in store for some people who deserve FUN this holiday season.
Oh, and a big shout out to my friend Jen who gave me the most glamourous cigarette holder for no reason. I feel, oh so Bette Davis. Or Hunter Thompson. Pending my mood swings.
previous next