Here's the thing about the girl you know as Partygirl. She lets people down because of her own faults. She is big disappointment. That's just what it is. You can write and tell me that you don't think I'm a disappointment, but I am. And if I haven't disappointed you, well, maybe you just haven't known me long enough.

I hate this about me. I try to overcome it by overcompenstating. I overdo it, I overdrink, I oversmile, I overlaugh, I overtalk, I overplease, I overdramatize, I overstigmatize, I overanalyze. I try harder and harder and by trying so hard - I try too hard. I overpromise. Then I overpsyche myself. And rather than let you down, I try to pull through. And the end result, is...disappointing.

I don't mean to disappoint, in fact, that's*exactly*what I don't want to do. I hate to disappoint. It disappoints me, too.

And I guess that's why I am so skittish about being vulnerable and being a part of relationship. I don't want to experience the good, because I know somewhere along the line, I will disappoint the other person. I will. That person will become attached to me and then I will do something dreadful...like make a horrendous comment or flake out and not show up somewhere when I am supposed to or take off in the middle of an important conversation or build up some drama in my mind. Or perhaps, he will just wake up one day and see that I am not what he had perceived. I'm not exciting or glamorous or thrilling...I am just, me.

I realized this tonight, when I thought about the guy I had a date with a week or so ago. I had a great time and really liked him and we spoke about going out again and no dates worked for us and I e-mailed suggesting the next week and now I haven't heard back. A few people think I'm crazy not to e- or call and make this work. But my feeling has been, if he liked me, he'd call. If he wanted to see me, he'd make it happen. I don't want to chase him down, because that's not me. He should want to see me. If it's meant to be, it will be.

But in a taxi ride downtown, to meet the ever-so-calming, gentle and magnificent Zeth and his patron saint of hospitality, Gingi, thoughts of this unforgettable guy kept popping into my head like punching a weeble, these images of him flying into my mind's face and forcing contact. As much as I would like to forget him, memory of him returns at the most unconvenient times. I thought about being with him and how different it was from being with anyone else, how connected it all was, and I wondered why I didn't just act like all of the girls I know and start pursuing him? Why don't I take action? Why don't I want to know where he's been and why he's left me by the wayside when he kissed me and held me like he meant it? Why - after meeeting the first guy in a long time that I thought about sleeping with and trusting and being with - I am so quick to let him go?

And hours later the answers came to me. After meeting a beautiful old hippie in a burrito joint in the East Village and hearing about his carefree journeys cross country and his recordings of Ginsberg and Kerouc, his friendship with *the John Sinclair*, his 18 months living in a commune in Vermont; after talking about how my generation isn't united because we never had a *war* to unite us and agreeing that *the man* will never give us one because they never want to offer a reason or a "way in" for generations to band together and revolt. We had this conversation that books are written about, conversation that is awakening and makes people change their lives. And I walked out of there high on this talk. And I hope I left him high on the knowledge that there are more like me walking around, more of us who are receptive to the ideas, who are open to the journey and adventure. We are disguised in the uniform of our youth but we are here nonetheless, ready to pick up the baton where they left off and make a difference one-by-one. We are here to say no to The Gap and Starbucks and embrace clothing made by talented people we know and coffee made by the guy on the corner who has a family and friends to feed. Real people creating fashion or art or creating a unique environment, and rejecting the cookie cutter McDonalization of the world that the *establishment* would like us to buy into like sleeping sheep.

So I left, lightheaded and giddy and I thought back to my life and I thought, I'm afraid of the disappointment I seem to bring with me. It's holding me back from pursuing that guy, because I know that in the end, I will disappoint him.

I hate this about me. But I am working hard to change this.

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