I�m about a week or two away from a good nervous breakdown. The kind of breakdown where *they* call your next of kin and place you, comatose, into a waiting car. I haven�t ever had one of those, but I see it coming. I saw it coming once before, and was able to stave it off. But this time�

There�s only so long that a person can pretend that everything is okay when everything is actually so fucking far from okay that the person wakes up every morning after barely sleeping and wonder if this is the day that it all blows up? Is this the day that I get the call to come home? You tell me.

I recently found out that I live in a house of cards that can be blown over any minute. I have no idea what is going to happen to me from one day to the next. It�s pretty fucked up.

You know, you live this life thinking that you are secure. That there�s a safety net that will catch you if worse comes to worse, and one day you get a call from your parents and you find out there is no net after all. And that they need to you to build the net. And they feel like shit for having to call and relay this message and you feel like shit because they had to make the call and you know they are embarrassed, but you also know it�s pretty bad if you got that call because it was probably one of the most difficult things they�ve ever had to do. And you are barely pulling off your own life, and suddenly, you are going to have to help others close to you.

This is how I�ve been feeling lately. I took it all like I�ve always taken bad news, in stride. But frankly, I�m not this strong. Since I dealt with the first news, more bad news has come and FRANKLY, I don�t know what I am going to do.

On top of that, my apartment situation may be such that I may have to move out. Which may mean, move home in the fall considering the housing situation in this city. This is very uncertain, but something I need to prepare for as a worst case scenario. I haven�t lived in at home since I was 18. This news is really throwing me.

Everything. Is. A. Mess.

And that compounded by additional bad news when I got to work, is why I cried at my computer for about and hour and a half this morning. I haven�t cried in so long. I didn�t even know what was happening until it started and then there was nothing I could do to stop it. Hysterical crying. It was so embarrassing, I pretended to be fixing something on my computer, under my desk. I just could not even bear the humiliation if anyone knew.

I started crying on the phone to my brother and he just did not know what to do. After that, I stopped taking calls. Marnie2000 talked me off the ledge, because I jokingly suggested throwing myself in front of a bus. And Gingi, the Voice of Reason, gave me some courage to make a very important call.

I know other people have been in my situation and dealt. It�s just very stressful. And not a small problem. What�s going on here will change my future.

So basically, when your life is going down the toilet, there�s really nothing better to do, but make fun of yourself. I was thinking that out of this situation could be a number of books. Here are some the titles I thought of:

�How I Ended My Life Before It Started�

�How My Future Was Destroyed By Age 28�

�How I Went from Successful to Homeless in a Matter of Weeks�

�Remember When You Had Cable?�

�From Business Deals to Discounted Happy Meals�

�The Rise and Fall of Partygirl�

�How to Destroy a Rising Career in 5 Easy Steps�

�Fun Times for Dummies�

�Chicken Soup for the Struggling 20-Somethings Who Think They have it Bad but Really Don�t Know Bad�

That�s just a sampling. I�ve got plenty more where that comes from. Oh, forgot to mention my Great Aunt died two weeks ago. And one our family friends died last night.

Keep it up, God. Keep it up and I�ll be there in no time and we can settle this score once and for all.

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