I know a lot of insane people. Some of you might place me in this category, but let me tell you - next to these people, I come off as straight and narrow.

This weekend I learned that even though I go out about 5 times a week and occasionally overdo it, I am not an alcoholic. However, many of my friends are. This, I learned from an alcoholic.

I learned that it is a great thing to sit on a couch for the greater part of the day and watch TV. Would you believe me if I told you that I haven�t sat on the couch and watched TV since March? Believe it.

I learned that for all of the close-minded people there are in the world, there are others whom have come a long way in their acceptance of race and alternative sexuality.

I learned that riding back to NYC from the shore in a Cadillac Escalade can improve your entire work week. I mean, I�m not an SUV champion or a status symbol sucker, but that shit is GOOD. Then again, anything beats Greyhound.

I learned that even if you have to work late into the night on Friday and are so tired and stressed that you just start crying for no reason whatsoever (although you may be crying because you has developed an itchy skin rash from stress) you should make yourself go to your happy place because waking up there � no matter how late you arrived � will make everything okay again.

I learned that as much as you don�t want to, you should just walk two beaches over and face the relentless pack of 30 Irish relatives. If you don�t they are just going to hound your family about your life, and it�s best to look them in the face and answer their questions and let their kids attach themselves to your legs while you swing them around and pretend you don�t know they are attached.

I�ve learned that you should always guess children�s ages to be grossly older and adults, grossly under. And try to look genuine while doing that.

I�ve learned that no matter how many times I�ve explained that I�m a publicist, there will always be a person to ask me 1) what books I�ve published or 2) what commercials I made or 3) what does that mean?

I�ve learned that it�s easier just to pretend I work in publishing, because as soon as I explain what I do, someone a) asks for tickets to something or b) casually mentions how they have a side project that they need a publicity for immediately.

I�ve learned that your entire night can be ruined with the addition of one, really sucky person.

I�ve learned that the whole night can become more interesting with the addition of one fascinating stranger to make eye contact with at the bar.

I�ve learned that sometimes, you just have say no and tell friends that you can�t make it because you need some time with your family.

I�ve learned that regardless of my putting my foot down, reasoning, begging and pleading, my cousin M2K is sleeping with a cop and she is not going to curb this bad behavior.

I have decided that M2K must be expunged until she wakes up and smells the gunpowder, which is all over her sheets.

Obviously, *she* has learned nothing.

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