Uh, Oh.

This weekend blew everything out of the water. I know we've all been bad before, but my group really did it this time. Rather than detail 3 wild nights and 4 ugly days, I'm just going to topline the low points for you.

1. Riding a speeding trolley with 40 other completely shitfaced young adults from resort town to resort town, actually dropping groups off at their HOMES. Packed into this trolley paid for by local drinking establishments to prevent drunk driving, 20 of the people yelling E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S! DEFENSE!, 10 people passing a bat, guys trying to lay rap in the dar k with complete strangers, me and my friend TK taking all of the glow sticks we collected from the shot girl at the bar and tying them to the open sides of the trolley and riding in glee admiring our work as the light whipped in the wind, Toastgirl screaming "We're going to tip!," envisioning the Willy Wonka boat ride as the trolley driver sped around a circle at about 40 mph, and 40 drunk people hanging out of the side of the trolley and screaming in the faces of laughing cops as we glided through a DUI checkpoint.

2. Toastgirl and I drinking about 7 frozen drinks each BEFORE going out, thereby setting the theme for the night: Fucked Up.

3. Announcing it's time for my medication and visiting doctor KB every half hour, administered in a blue graphix circa 1989.

3a. Me, announcing how I have renounced all drugs, while packing a bat and chugging a beer.

4. Me, riding with Toastgirl to our houses late Saturday night, Sunday morning, and having to yell over to her, weaving down the road, on the bike next to mine, "Pick the MIDDLE road!!!"

5. Getting into the bar on Sunday night, just before the fire marshal and state troopers sealed all exits.

6. Finding our entire group in the bar, which was filled with about 500 people.

7. Looking out at the lot next to the the bayfront bar, and seeing a guy in the dark, estimating the jump from bulkhead to bulkhead and then climb over the wall to the bar, and yelling to him, "Come on!!! You can make it!!!" Then keeping watch for him as he tried it, and being on the receiving end of bear hugs from him, once he made it in. Then doing this for 6 more people. Including a girl in a long skirt - BADASS.

8. Forming a human barrier so we could each pee on the man-made beach at the bar, after the authorities sealed the exits and ordered no re-entry, even if you had to go to the bathroom.

9. Toastgirl showing her tits to get into the men's room to pee and not realizing one of our guys was in the line to the bathroom that she flashed. That's a REALLY good one, because Toastgirl has some serious boobs and all of the guys want to see them.

10. Toastgirl flagging herself, two nights in a row.

11. Me trying to help Toastgirl get home again.

12. Huge fight with a foreign cab driver, who ripped us off and got violent so I gave him the money.

13. Toastgirl, drunkenly getting me all fired up about the cab driver, and me trying to file a complaint at 3am with the police.

14. Me ending the night at the local police station, which is superbad, if you knew my police history in this town. I have no business even walking past the station, let alone *in* the station of my own free will. And then explaining my story to a cop younger than me, who laughed at my story and told me there's nothing he could do, while I waved around a paper towel with the license plate number of the criminal taxi on it like a lunatic, in front of the bullet proof glass. Then he told me to "sleep on it" and if I still felt the same way in the morning - to file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. Me, suddenly realizing where the hell I was and trying to walk calmly out of the police station, when my mind was yelling "RUN! Run for your life!"

15. The beach Monday. Everyone hurting and sweating out the toxins, E. looking at me and screaming, "OH! My! God! You are actually sweating red droplets of rum runners!," until I explained that I had applied orange SPF gel.

16. And finally, hitting rock bottom, with Toastgirl puking on the beach, head between her legs, towel over her head at 4PM. Three times. That's right. She puked three times, right there, on a crowded beach. I had to walk away because I thought it was going to make me puke.

17. My parents taking me back and passing the local hospital, and my Dad remarking, "Hey! You haven't been there in a while!" and my mom jumping in, "Don't even SAY it! You'll jinx her," as I said to him, "you know, I was thinking the SAME thing...." until we remembered I've been for X-rays in NYC twice since I moved here 6 years ago this year.

The long weekends are a bit much for the kids. I always think summer ends too soon, but maybe, it ends at EXACTLY the right time.

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