I am feeling rather blah, which is so unlike me. I feel like nothing fits right now. For example, I want to be with someone, but I want to be alone. I want another career, but I like my profession. I want to move, but I want to stay. I want to go away somewhere, but I want to lock myself alone in my room.

My hands are peeling. It�s a totally weird phenomenon. They�ve been peeling for two weeks now. Everyday, I wake up with new little blisters on my fingertips, which have now spread to my palms. As the skin peels, the new skin has deeply etched lines, like pruned skin from a long hot bath. They even feel pruned. I try to remember to moisturize but nothing seems to be working.

I am physically exhausted. I am so exhausted, I actually feel sick. Then I think about all of the things I need to do and I am even more exhausted. I think I�m overwhelmed.

I need to prioritize.

I need to send out my Christmas Cards. I never sent them. The thought of them sitting on my desk makes me feel queasy.

I�ve been cutting down on smoking because I can�t seem to shake the congestion I feel in my lungs. Today I read a story about people in NYC developing respiratory problems as a result of 9-11. I suddenly remembered those immediate days after the attacks. The air was so thick with dust you could actually see it on your clothes and skin. It was like a coat of chalk all over you. I remember taking off the surgical mask they gave me to chain-smoke outside during those days. I wonder if my congestion is a result of those days?

I�m reading this book �A Normal Girl.� It�s so fucking depressing because it is such a realistic caricature of what life is like for many people I know. It�s like a past life. But then it makes me think, is it a past life? Have I moved on? Who am I now? What makes me different? Who will I be a year from now? Can I be happy with what I have? If not, what will make me happy?

All of this is so exhausting. Can I just have some peace here? Can someone cut me a break for chrissakes?

Make it stop.

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