Some of you think that I am in love with my best guy friend. You should know right now, you are wrong.

Yes, I love my friend. He is a great friend to me. He calls me his soulmate. But in truth, I have never been, and never will be, "in love" with him. That much is true.

I wish that I were capable of being in love with him, because my life would be so much easier.

The truth is, that my anger over his stupidity in relationships is more a reflection of my dissatisfaction of my own personal life. In therapy they would call this displaced anger.

My anger was rooted more in his response to me when I tried to be empathetic and say, I know how badly you are feeling from this broken heart, and he matter of factly said to me, "no you don't. Partygirl, you don't know how this feels." He was right and having someone close to you say that outloud is painful.

I don't know how it feels to end a 10-month relationship because I have never been capable of maintaining a relationship that long.

I have never completely opened up to another person, I have never really allowed anyone to love me.

And I'm sure there are a number of reasons for this, including the fact that deep down, I don't love myself. And other reasons including that I complicate everything I touch and have only on a couple of instances felt like I found someone worthy of letting in and in those instances, he fucked up.

I am quick to terminate relationships when they get too intimate. I shut down. If my life were a film, you would hear the sound effects of a prison door slamming at those moments in my story. It would perfectly play out on screen, portraying the jail that I imprison my heart for protection.

I wish this were a film, instead of my life. Maybe then, I could walk away from it, leave the frustration and my self-created stupidity sitting in a movie theater.

When I was hurt by a guy a few years ago, my oldest friend asked me if I cried about it. Thinking back now, I can't remember if I did, because I have blocked most of the memory. I remember her telling me, I hope you do cry, because when you finally experience that pain, you will be ready to get involved. You will drop all walls just to get back what you lost and have it again.

I guess I thought that was a harsh thing to say, wishing me pain, but after I thought about it, I understood. I've always walked away scotfree. I was never on the other end, wondering "why" with hurt feelings.

Sometimes, when I force myself to think about that, I wonder which is worse: a lifetime of walking away and never allowing yourself to feel enough to get hurt or suffering from a broken heart?

I tend to think the former, but to make myself feel better, I will always choose the latter.

If only I had a heart, instead of a brain.

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