I have gotten myself all fired up thanks to one dude tonight. I would have qualified him with an adjective, but I actually can't think of one right now and that either says something about him or about my state of mind right now.

Bastard. Both of us.

I keep my worlds separate. I don't care, but I care worlds. I care enough that I kill myself over and over regarding the people in my life, but I never let anyone else know.

I never let anyone fully in. Never. As much as anyone knows me, they don't know me and that means anyone.

It was good that way. I contained my joy and my misery.

I hate burdening people with my problems. The world is filled with problems, I hear them from beloved friends all day and I am conscientious about not sharing them. Out of caring.

Damn it. I don't want to put this here but I am too lazy to write right now. And I am fired up.

Damn it. He makes me want to say everything and nothing. He makes me want to spill the most horrific and remain as quiet as a mute. Because there is no reason to speak, he already knows. He knows. And I know.

MotherF*cker. I met some Dutch men tonight in my rage, when I walked away from the table.

He's not interested. And the timing is not right.

And goddamn it, I have never been interested. I have always been about the good time. Clean breaks.

It's not clean here. It's anything but clean. I want to run. I want to run every minute I think of him. I want to run as far away as possible.

Every piece fits. Like the story of a toile. Alone they are meaningless, together, they are history.

Damnit. I was ready to be alone forever. I am going to end up in a hundred pieces, and this is exactly what I have worked to avoid my entire life.

It's time to employ Plan C. He must be cut off at the pass.

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