It's hard to write a journal for this long that people read and not be repetitive, so I'll just put it out there and say I am cyclical.
I go through stages of crazy fun, bummed out, hibernation, then me kicking my ass into gear again, me recognizing that I've been unfun and so on and so forth.
Right now it is game-fucking-on. Not crazy game-on like I used to be. I'm not taking off with strangers and driving to Atlantic City, it's just different. I kinda take care of me now, not that I didn't before but I think a little more now about repercussions, I speak up for myself more; I'm less carefree but probably still less cautious than 90% of the people who read this so I guess I'm still crazy.
It's hard to describe yourself, let alone describe yourself when the people closest to you describe you as a mystery. I guess I'm hard to know and not very predicatable, unless you can predict unpredicitability?
I have reached a point of almost not caring. I'm caring yet not caring, I guess what other people would call letting go? I never did that before. I acted out and then beat myself up for it. I don't much care what other people think of me now.
In the last year, I tried to settle down. I tried to bring it down a notch and chill and dress all normal-like and that was just not me.
I am not normal. I will get married and have kids but not like other people will. I probably won't live in a development and schedule weekly sex and carpool my kids in a minivan. I realize that now. I'm going to meet someone crazy but balanced. Someone who can live in both worlds. My high roller money world and my punk rock world. Someone who 8 years into marriage I pick up at the airport from a business trip wearing nothing but an overcoat and screw in the car on the way home.
I started wearing my spiked wristcuffs to work again. That's who I am. I'm a little bit tuff with a soft core and I want to be with someone tuffer. I struggled with that a lot. I tried to be that other girl, the one with pearls and Ann Taylor clothes but that's not the big picture.
Yes, I like Manolo's and Marc Jacobs. I also like Vivienne Westwood. That's not going to change. Now I need to meet the guy who appreciates that.
It's a good time for me. I'm really enjoying finding him and all the Mr. Wrong's along the way.
previous next