For some reason, this year's anniversary was the hardest for me to date. I feel guilty for leaving New York before the mess downtown is finished. I made a whispered promise to myself on this day, as I stared down that smoking mound, that I wouldn't leave them. I would be nearby, with them. I don't know what I meant by that. I certainly didn't intend to stay in NYC for the rest of my life, but I also didn't think it would take this long for that area to be rebuilt. Knowing that big hole is there makes me feel guilty. Like I broke my promise to the deceased.

I broke down last night. I broke down like I was here again. And I couldn't understand it. Sobbing. My heart hurting. For hours, until I got up and took something to sleep.

I woke up and I was happy it was raining. I don't think I could have bared it being perfect weather like it was six years ago.

I cried at work off and on; no one saw me. I cried when I sent emails to friends that searched with me. I cried when I sent emails to friends who were widowed, letting them know I hadn't forgotten. I cried thinking about the sealed box under my bed with the scrap of paper the police gave us with a case number for our missing friend when we filed the very first missing person report for my friend's husband. It records him as 0027, the 27th missing person recorded. And when I smell the surgical mask they had us wear to protect us from the thick dust in the air, as we moved around Manhattan, filing report after report and went through lists of the identified. And as I examine a few odds and ends I kept that belonged to deceased friends. I cried when a former client sent me an email out of the blue to let me know they were thinking about me.

This year is just sad. The focus of the media is piss poor. Talking about Britney and the VMA's and the war in Iraq. Little to no remembrance of the victims.

No flags at half-mast. Business as usual.

This year, I'm sad about the whole thing, but I am especially saddened that people outside of NYC who weren't directly affected by the attack seem to have forgotten about the horror that was only 6 years ago.

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