Uggh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't snap out of this mood. I think of my birthday and it makes me want to cry. I have friends calling and singing a countdown each day and normally that would make me laugh but this year it makes me want to cry. I'm just not sure what's wrong here? There's something missing, and it's not the people who can't celebrate with me this year, it's something more than that and I can't put my finger on it. I know it's not the people who can't come because I sat for a minute and tried to think, if I could have one of them come, which person would make it great? And I couldn't name anyone. And then I thought about the fact that there is no one that truly I look forward to seeing, and that made me even more sad.

So I've been overcompensating. I'm doing everything possible to liven this up for myself. I gave up on the band, and my fun friend Jen gave me the number for a fire eater/sword swallower. I thought that would be cool, but the guy hasn't called me back yet. So, then Jen suggested an ice luge for shots and I thought, that's a good idea! It'll provide entertainment and get me out of my mind. Then I'll be so drunk I won't care who the hell shows up. Oh, and my roommate is working on a DJ.

God, I hate to be such a drag. Really. I'm trying to keep my chin up here. But the eye twitch started again today, in the middle of a client meeting, and I almost went ballistic. I was feeling a little better until I got the birthday countdown call. The birthday countdown is really annoying.

Maybe it's all of this working out that's throwing me off? It's sure as hell making me tired. Maybe I'm just overtired. Maybe I'm evolving into the Birthday Grinch?

Actually, my friend A. just reminded me that I've always had birthday issues. She's right. Maybe it's just cold feet. I guess I should reference this collection of birthday angst entries by explaining that my parents (really more my Mom) forgot my birthday one year. I think I was 12 or 13 but my Mom came home from shopping and she forgot. How does your Mom forget your birthday? I can't remember so much about the incident...I think I blocked it...but I remember being bummed and waiting and waiting for the BIG DEAL and finally asking around 4PM that day, what we were doing for my birthday...god, I can't believe I don't remember these details anymore, it's amazing what you can block. Anyway, I remember my Mom telling me that we would go shopping right then - and she put down the bags of stuff she had just bought and we went - maybe that was the birthday when my parents relented and let me get my ears pierced? The guilt gift. Love that. I think that's when I started to self promote. Shout my birthday from the roof tops. I think maybe I realized that you don't get anything unless you ask for it, so maybe it was a good thing that the birthday incident happened?

And really, in all fairness, she didn't intend to forget. I think that was around the time she had some health issues going on, it was probably a lot to have a pre-teen to indulge. I think she felt really bad about that incident. She has that way that some people do...you know when she feels really bad, she's able to make you feel even worse. I believe the psychological term would be passive-aggressive but I just call her a mind fuck. I can't stand mindfuckers, but I do have to admire the skill it takes to get in someone's mind and really fuck them up.

And now I real terrible for printing this story. So close to Mother's Day and all. When she really meant to give us everything.

But I think she gave me a big birthday complex.

Apologies to my readers for the continuing sucky entries. I must be depressing all of you. Christ, I'm depressing myself.

I promise to pull it together. Tomorrow I will have something fun to say. And by Saturday, this will all be history~

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