I need money and a rockstar boyfriend. That's the theme song of my life. When I get around to writing it. I just figured that out after speaking with my friend Stacey, about the previous cooler-than-cool coupledom of Jarvis Cocker and Chloe Sevigny. And now she's back with Harmony Korrine. What's up with that anyway?

Anything to take my mind off of this Felicity haircut I got last night. Ugggh. I can't even look in the mirror, it just makes me cry. I curled it and sprayed it and applied make-up and I when I was done it just made me cry. I called in sick this morning to work due to hair distress. And then I pulled at my hair some more. I cried again. I smoked a cigarette. I thought over my options. I can't stay in my apartment forever. Could I call out for 2 weeks until it grows in enough to deal with it? No. Could I create a week long sickness? No, I have a huge event in D.C. next week. Featuring a woman who made People's 50 Most Beautiful this year. The thought of dealing with her, while I look like this, sent me into a tailspin. And I don't have enough hats to wear everyday to work and can a girl still wear hats indoors, or is that rude?

So I thought about it, and while it would make me feel better to sit at home and wallow in self pity and tie a scarf around my head so that when I pass a mirror I don't have to look at the hideousness of myself, in reality, it's not going to be better tomorrow. It's just not. So why postpone the inevitable?

So I pulled myself together as best I could. And I called back into work and told them I felt better and I would be coming in today. It's just so aweful. It's okay if I don't look in a mirror or touch my hair because I just pretend it's still there. Uggh. It. Just. Makes. Me. Feel. Sooooo...ugggh, I hate to use the sterotype, but I can't think of any other way to describe it so if I offend anyone I apologize but....it makes me feel like a dyke. Uggh. I said it. I feel like a she-man. Just typing that is making me tear up again. This is the worst feeling.

And I know it sounds totally vapid and immature and vain and all of those terrible things but I can't help it.

I hate myself right now. I want to rip my hair out. I want to rip out the meager amount I have left on my head. I want it gone. I want to scratch my face or my arms and inflict pain on myself and just do anything to show on the outside - to show - how much this sucks and how much I hate myself right now and how angry I am. I want to be locked in a dark room until it grows back. I want people to stop bullshitting me and telling me it looks cute.

God damn it.

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