Let's see where we are today.

I'm pretty much done with this guy that I thought rocked, but as I suspected all along, he doesn't. He's out.

I'm focusing on the new. I'm taking back my life.

I've spent the last few weeks, or months, now that I review it all, following a guy like a puppy. That's stupid and it's not me. It's also the completely wrong way to try to establish a relationship. Or in my case, it was. I spent all of my time accomodating this person who had absolutely no regard for me. I was just a playmate. I made it easy for him to use me as a fallback by just being available. And maybe I wasn't available a few times, but it wasn't enough to establish myself to him as my own person who should be respected and that's the biggest mistake I think I've ever made.

During that time that I was acting like a brainwashed follower, I let my friendships fall by the wayside. I have some work to do to repair them.

My best friend is pretty much just not even speaking with me. And that sucks. My best friend since I was 15. My roommate in college, my partner in crime, my summer sister, my partner in travels abroad, my roommate post-college, my best friend. I need to mend bridges, immediately.

My friends from college think I've fallen off of the face of the earth. I slowly started reaching out to them this week, as I regained consciousness from this black hole that I fell in around January. I can't believe this started in January and went nowhere. I am so stupid. Completely idiotic. I hate girls like me. I can't believe I became that girl.

It's over. I'm not going to be her anymore. And I'm not going to beat myself up about it.

I'm focused on my future. I'm going to spend the weekend working on a plan for myself. Dividing up sectors of my life into quadrants and mapping out a future. That's the girl I was before I lost my mind a few years ago and feel into this spin cycle of reckless hedonism and lack of focus.

I used to have dreams and plans, but the plans just sat and gathered dust because it was more fun to play and not work at them.

Sometimes you have to fall on your face to look up see how far from the top you've fallen. At least that's the way it is for me.

I'm pretty much sitting in Dante's Inferno right now. I've made a lot of mistakes in a three month period. In fact, I've made more mistakes in the last three months than I've ever made in my whole life. Like a turbo class. I was always a turbo kind of girl. That's ok, though. I needed to make these mistakes. I've spent a great deal of my life avoiding risks and mistakes and that's no way to live either. I needed to live and learn.

It's time to start working on me. No more boys who string me along. I'm going to make myself into who I want to be, just as soon as I figure that out.

This weekend.

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