Here's a rule of thumb for the kids out there who are experimenting: In the end, cocaine will beat you. Get it? It's like wrestling alligators. Fun and exhilarating in the beginning�adventurous. But if you keep doing it, eventually, it will bite you. And it will hurt like hell and if you don't die, you will want to at some point. Yep, at some point it will make you want to die. But you will continue to do it, seeking that exhilarating feeling you experienced in the beginning, that feeling of being on top of the world. Of being the most fabulous person in the room; the most fascinating person in the world. And when you chase that feeling, you will find yourself feeling psychologically broken, more so than you have ever felt in your life.

I've written about this before but a conversation with someone yesterday brought it all back. I am like a fucking after school special. But I am here for you all. Remember that. I'm here.

Do as I say and not as I do, k?

*~*

I'm on day two of the detox. It sucks. I worked late last night and the hurricane caught me at work. He doesn't update nearly enough but the kid kills me. I wish you all could meet him. He's so entertaining. He's coming back to NYC in two weeks, or as he put it, "just as you'll be falling off the wagon."

Love him.

*~*

I am having a baby shower at my apartment this weekend. I am starting to stress about it. Mainly because I've never thrown a shower before, let alone a BABY shower. At least at a bridal shower everyone sits around and gets bombed.

Listen, I'm the first to admit that this shower thing is not my forte, okay? But I really do not need my family telling me there's no way I can pull it off. Especially when I am already having second doubts about pulling it off.

First, my apartment is not equipped to hold 30 plus grown-ups for a meal and gifts. It's plenty big enough to entertain 150 sloppy drunks, a couple of kegs, and a six-foot sub but not an intimate gathering of sober couples.

I acknowledge this. Frankly, I don't want to talk about it. I'd rather just jump into this thing and wing it, which is really how I look at life. Planning is for nervous people. I say that no matter how well you plan, something always goes wrong, so just jump in there and do it.

So I call my mom last night and I ask her for her fritatta (you know, eggs and potatoes) casserole recipe.

"What for," she asks.

"For the SHOWER," I remind her.

"Well, how many people are you going to have?"

"Twenty or so," I lied, so I wouldn't have to hear about how I couldn't possibly accommodate that many people in my NYC apartment.

"TWENTY!" she exclaimed.

"How are you going to serve twenty people in your apartment? In that oven you have? Does it even work?"

"Of course it works! MY oven works perfectly," I snipped.

"Have you ever used your oven?" she dared to ask.

"Of course, I've used my oven," I replied hotly. "Listen, I just need the recipe, I have this all worked out. Will you just e-mail it to me?"

"What else are you serving? How are you going to cook for all of these people?" she asked.

I explained to her that some friends were bringing other dishes. Jen is making veggie lasagna. D. is making fried chicken and waffles. I am also making a spinach dip appetizer and serving croissants and bagels, etc. We'll be fine.

"How are you even going to fit twenty people in your living room?!?" she marveled, making me stress all over again.

But I refused to crumble under the pressure.

"We'll be fine, mom. Don't worry about it."

"Okkkkaaaaaaaaaaayyyyy, but I sure wouldn't want to be you."

"Just e-mail the recipe to me, okay? Thanks. Goodbye"

And I started to rethink this whole "plan" that I have secretly formulated even though I don't believe in plans and then I went over my checklist that I told you I didn't have, just to see if I could cut corners anywhere to make this work.

*~*

And so my brother calls me today.

"What's going on?" he asked.

"I'm on the wagon."

"Reeeeally?" and then he snorts and says, "that should last until happy hour."

Smartass.

"What's going on this weekend?"

"I have that baby shower, I'm throwing�?"

"That's right! What are you going to do?" he asked.

I explain the game plan.

"How many people are coming?"

"Thirty."

"Oh. My. God. What are you going to do?"

"What do you mean what am I going to do? I'm going to have this shower."

He breaks out in uncontrollable laughter, to the point where he can't breathe.

"What? WHAT?!?"

Still laughing. Finally I hear him get out,

"I am picturing you waking up around 1:45PM, hungover, on Sunday as people are ringing your doorbell for the shower!"

"Hello, it's not until 2PM and I'll have everything done by Sunday, ANYWAY."

More insane laughter ensued.

"WHAT?!"

He calms down

"You don't have a shot in hell of pulling this off."

"You know what, I gotta go."

*~*

Doubters! Who are these doubters telling me I can't pull this off? Screw that.

Listen, I do need some help from you guys. So it's a boy-girl thing and I need to pull together something as a "take away" gift. Something little. Like I went to one and they gave little votive candles and another one gave little cachet's of potpourri. I am at a loss on this point. Think: low effort, easy to find in the city and inexpensive.

Help the Partygirl. Because I am thinking ring pops as the giveaway.

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