THIS JUST IN! I AM 27 AND HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING WITH MY LIFE.

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Just wanted to put that out there. In case anyone wanted to know.

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My weekend was a wash, basically because I totally fucked myself over. I was out until all hours almost everyday last week, so by Friday I was beat.

I rented Sid & Nancy, which was a mistake. I've known too many people like Sid & Nancy. Why would I watch it for entertainment?

I kid you not when I tell you that halfway through the movie I actually stood up to turn it off. I got so pissed off, I just wanted it off my screen. I wanted them out of my life. I looked at that fucking hotel room in the Chelsea Hotel and it was like I was just transported into my past. Filthy hotel rooms, are novel at first. Now I see a filthy hotel room and I want to scream. I seriously want to scream.

For the last 10 minutes of the film, I paced around my living room. I started washing dishes, tying up the trash, anything to avoid what was coming. I tried to distract myself after that film to prevent it from pervading my dreams. It worked, but the minute I woke up on Saturday I ran out to return the video just to get it out of my hands.

So, in my effort to actually see some films, I went to go see "Traffic" on Saturday afternoon.

I'm thinking, "Hey, Love that Benicio Del Toro. This will be GREAT."

Let me break it down: while going through Saturns Returns and making life changes, don't rent "Sid & Nancy" and follow that with a viewing of "Traffic."

It's like chasing vinegar with Draino.

So I am sitting in this movie and I am totally uncomfortable from the moment of the characters lifts her straw to "chase the dragon." I mean, uncomfortable to the point where I physically restrained myself from standing up and walking out. I stared up at the ceiling for a minute and took a couple of breathes. I think the guy next to me thought I had the DT's or something, but it really just freaked me out. I remembered a whole lot of shit I had put behind me. I whole group of people, a whole fucked up time in my life.

The film is so realistic. I mean so Realistic. Toastgirl will know what I'm talking about. Ripe knows. I bet a lot of you know.

That film is one big fucking reality check. My mind was reeling. My roommate said the audience reaction at the showing she went to was that it was an exaggerated portrayal of suburban drug use. *SNORT* (No pun intended)

Ha.

Parents think they'd know if their kids were using because their kids grades would slide? They'd become detached? Their appearance would change?

Ha.

Parents think they can judge from the crowd their kids run around with?

Look again.

At this point in my life, I'm just really, really happy that I didn't end up a smack addict.

Just happy to have gotten this far, in one piece. I may be fucked up, but I'm alive, I haven't turned any tricks and I'm not an addict or recovering.

Woo hoo for me.

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