Let me tell you something about myself.
I can't hold my liquor.
Yes, it's true. Since the first time I got drunk at age 12, and spent the following day dry heaving, I have never been able to hold my liquor.
Don't get me wrong, I can drink like it's my job. I can do duration. I may drink two beers to every one you have. But, at the end of the day, I am probably going to get sick.
I haven't been able to even smell Tequila since I was 15 years old and came home, barefoot in a blizzard - one shoe in my coat pocket and the other in my hand - shitfaced drunk. Walked right into my brother's New Year's Eve party. No idea how I got home. No idea how my shoes got off my feet nor how far I walked barefoot through a foot of Pennsylvania snow. But I walked in there and sat down and went shot for shot with these college boys. Every shot of tequila had to be chugged with a small pitcher of beer. I drank about half that bottle of Tequila - you do the math. I was dry heaving for days. The kind of heaving where it feels good to spit up the yellow bile that lines your stomach.
I reached a point, around senior year of college, where I figured out my cut off point. I could recognize that drink that was going to put me over the edge. And I cut myself off. The years of binge drinking and purging took its toll on me. I had no choice but to recognize it.
I can take any drug in the book. I can take them all at once and you'd never even know I was on something. Uptown, downtown, nature or paper - I can take it and look you straight in the eye and detail why glasnost and perestroika were never feasible. But I sure as hell can't hold my liquor.
My friends are big drinkers. I mean, an off night is a bottle of Merlot per person for the girls; 3 doubles of Jim Beam and 3 beers for the boys. They are fascinated at the way I cut myself off. It's been the topic of discussion many an evening.
Occasionally, I still get really sick. This usually happens when I don't eat before I drink.
This is what happened last night.
My friend D. and I went to see "Snatch," which in case you were wondering, is the greatest film I've ever seen and you need to RUN (don't walk) and see it. FUCKING GENIUS.
So after the film, we head across the street for A glass of wine. One 9-dollar (Andrew, why can't we write dollar signs anymore, you communist!) glass of wine led to two and then bartender gave us the rest of the another bottle on him�we left that bar unfed but warm and fuzzy.
This led to the idea of walking 10 blocks to another bar, where our friend was bartending. Hey! It's Monday, he must be lonely - let's stop in and say hello!
We stopped in. Switched to cider. Cozy up to the bar. Listen to the band. Hours pass. I finish my pint and head to the ladies room, resolved to leave after I go to the bathroom. I come back and my glass is full. I protest. They tell me to sit down and finish my drink. I finish before my friend and we are deep in *important* conversation so I tell my friend behind the bar to "just fill it up halfway." He gives me the eye.
"What?!?" I yell. "I don't want to hear it, just fill it enough for a couple of sips."
Then my friend gets hers filled half. I get another half. She gets a half. Finally, I look at my watch and declare, "I'm out." My friend decides to stay.
I get home. It's 1am. I am drunk. And I haven't eaten. I do the only thing I can do: chug a bottle of water and pass out.
Cut to: 2AM. I wake up with a start. I am disoriented. Not sure what time it is or why I am up. The next thing I know I am running to the bathroom. In my haste, I don't turn on the lights. I hit my head against the door. This delays me.
I don't make my target. Red wine everywhere in the sink. I am really, really sick. I rest my forehead on cool porcelain. I evaluate my life in the moments before I am sick again. I thank God I didn't bring anyone home with me. I wish I could hold my liquor. I wonder if there's a sale on down comforters at Bed, Bath and Beyond.
I clean the bathroom. It makes me nauseaus. I feel light-headed. I rinse my mouth with cool water.
I fall back into my bed. I am done.
It's only Monday.
Go see Snatch.
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