You know, I was thinking today after I did a good deed this morning even though I am way overtired and disappointed with the events of the weekend, the events of last night's drunken performance, that really I'd like to know a person like me.

I mean, I give 100% to everyone I know. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to be me? Try it for a week. I dare you.

I'm giving bastions of creative energy at my job. While doing this and getting things DONE, I am also entertaining the people I work with. I am also fielding calls left and right from the stray cats in my life who are very needy.

Now I'm not complaining about the people in my life, really I'm not, because I treasure each and everyone one of them. But it's a lot of work being me. From the minute I wake up and walk out of my building, I am working to offer kindness to each person I come into contact with on my way. This means, smiling at the deli man when I buy my paper in the morning. Smiling at the butcher when I walk past. Pushing my head through the door of the dry cleaner and wishing her a good morning with a big smile. Then I make polite talk to the taxi driver or beam a smile to the bus driver.

And this is all on very little sleep and too much alcohol and cigarettes the night before.

I smile when I get my tea and breakfast. I smile and say good morning to the doorman in my office building. I swing open the door to my office and I yell, "WORD UP!" to the 10 or so girls in cubes already working. They look up and laugh and I say "Woo woo! It's Tuesday, Yeah!"

As soon as I sit down, my phone is usually ringing. So while I go through the Times, I sort through their problems. I have a friend with a boyfriend who's not letting go. "Stop taking his calls for a week. Stop initiating contact. Get out and meet people. See how that goes. You're welcome to come with me tonight!"

A friend who needs me to do *something* for him calls. "I have 20 minutes between after work and before I have to meet another friend. Meet me on the corner of X and Y and I'll get it done." He mentions his mom is in the hospital, I make a joke, he laughs. He sounds better.

Another friend calls. She slept with a mutual friend this weekend. She has the green monkeys. "Enough. Let it go. It's over. We'll go out and we are not going to talk about it. You're fine, nothing's changed. Meet me at 10PM."

A friend calls, several friends call, they all got laid off. We brainstorm. I refer them to contacts. I make job suggestions. I continue to think about it. I deliver my Newt Rockne pep talk. They are smart. They are talented. They have skills. They are assets to any company. They ROCK. I love them. I mean all of it.

A friend calls. She hates her job and wants to be a musician. I recommend logical first steps and we make a list: stop smoking, easy on the drinking, vocal training, recommended studio/engineer (mental note to kick myself for breaking up with the studio engineer who was a doll and probably hates me now), carry notebook everywhere, check Village Voice for bands needing vocalists, etc.

A friend calls - she thinks she's dying. We walk through the symptoms. I tell her she overdid it working out and needs to rest.

A friend calls, she actually may be dying. She has cancer. We talk in hushed tones, about everything except what's going on with her. She laughs when I tell her about my unrequited rockstar love in my mock disbelief voice. I ask her if she needs anything. I invite her out. I make a mental note to send her a surprise package and take her out to dinner this weekend.

A stranger e-mails me. It seems that she just moved up here from Florida. Fresh out of college. She's a friend of a friend's cousin - whom I took under my wing last year. She's having a hard time adjusting here. Doesn't know anyone and needs a job. I shuffle my week and ask her to meet me for dinner. I tell her - not to worry, I completely understand what it's like to be alone and new in a city! You're coming with me and we'll get this sorted out! She e-mails back thanks. I smile to myself, because I do know what it's like to be her and it sucks. I am happy to help.

An old friend e-mails. A friend of hers wants to switch industries. Wants to know if she can hook her up with me to get a background on what I do and maybe give her some direction. Why not? Send her my way.

My brother calls. He needs extra tickets to a show that I asked for a head count about a month ago. The show is a week away and he needs 10 more tickets. I would like to strangle my brother right now. Instead, I jokingly tell him to get his act together and tell him I will work on it.

A friend e-mails. She has an e-mail with song lyrics from 80's songs, can I help her out. Nope. Hate 80's music. I refer her to another friend.

A relative calls. They are coming up for a weekend with their 16-year old daughter. Do I know of any age-appropriate things to do? I make a list and send it back.

This whole time, I am also working. I've probably had to go to the bathroom for he last 30 minutes, but ignored the urge.

I'm tired, but I try not to think about it. Sometimes, I see an e-mail pop up and frankly, I don't want to see it. I know what's coming, "Hi, Partygirl, where've you been?"

Where've I been? Are ya kidding me???? I've been dealing with everyone I know, that's where I've been. I've been working long hours and forgetting to take care of myself and get some sleep. I've been running myself ragged, that's where I've been. I've been trying to do everything all at once because I think I'm superhuman, that's where I've been. I've been to the 20 social engagements that I invited you to but you declined because you didn't feel like getting out. I've been walking a tightrope. Living a three ring circus. I've been so busy I forgot to call back at least three people that I cut off mid story three days ago because I remembered someone else I needed to call.

I've been trying to block out the fact that my life is suffering because I'm spending too much time trying to fix all of the people I know. I've been devoting 10 minutes here and there to trying to decide what to do with my life. I've been fighting demons. I've been searching for an extra minute to create. I've been reading great books that make my writing look like a second-grader's. I've been listening to music that makes me awe-struck. I've been staring at fresh snow on trees and wondering how anything could be so beautiful.

I've been laughing at my parents because they are crazy. And thanking God for them. I've been making new friends and trying to keep the old. I've been trying to grow up. I've been searching for a higher power. I've been searching for someone to guide me. I've been searching the streets for someone who looks familiar. I've been questioning the universe. I've been questioning society. I've been living.

I'm sorry, what was your question? What have I been up to?

"Oh. Not much. Same old, same old."

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