I thought about my diary situation. And my conclusion is, I just don't care.

So fuck it.

*~*

It's story time kids. Pull up a chair.

*~*

Once upon a time there was a girl living in a small town. She wasn't a princess, but she dreamed that someday, she would be. She couldn't wait to get out of that town. Each year that passed, every little thing about that town drove her crazy, but she tried not to let on.

She wasn't sure where she wanted to go or what she would do when she left - she figured that would all fall into place, in a tidy little heap, at her feet and she would just step into fame and fortune when she Arrived. But she knew she had to get out first.

Everybody liked this girl just fine. She wasn't the most popular, nor the least. She refused to commit to a clique, but instead, flitted in and out of circles. "Why bother with a best friend when I'm just leaving anyway," she thought. So she smiled a lot and laughed a lot and said "hi" to everyone she passed in the halls at school. Sometimes she was mean to the nerds, but they couldn't help but forgive her after she played a prank on them, because she was magnanimous. They wanted to be her friend.

Finally she turned 18, and without ruffling any feathers, she left home. Smiling and promising to call often and come home frequently, she walked away and never looked back. She sought a life filled with new faces, new friends, new parties.

And that she found, tenfold. She craved adventure, and she got it. After experiencing freedom, she wanted more. She wasn't afraid. And she tried just about anything that came her way. Any type of booze...any pill...powder...herb..psychedelic...anything that came her way, she took. And she liked it. For the most part.

When she started to get bored, she moved on. Ready for a new group of friends. State to state, even country to country, she left and she always left alone.

In the beginning it was exciting to her. The new places, the stamps in her passport. The new landscapes and the history...she craved the history. Roots. It fascinated her that the very things she had voluntarily uprooted, others had made into monuments.

Eventually, her family tired of supporting her. And so they urged her to settle down into an adult life. Knowing she could never settle down in that small town, because she had gotten a taste of what's out in the world, she packed her bags and headed to the biggest city she could think of and she got a job.

Years passed, and she did settle down - well, kinda. Giving up the wild side, but still crazy, she continued to meet new people, to smile all the time and to make people laugh. She was always game for a drink or a party or a late-night. She was always looking for the new "thing" - clothes, accesseries, her hair. When she would go home, once or twice a year, her family hardly recognized the formerly small town girl.

And then something funny happened: the one-time-small-town-girl took a look at herself and hardly recognized that girl. And she didn't really like what she saw. Here's how it went down.

She was off, on a long weekend, visiting a small town where some old friends go. A place relatively untouched by the grandeur of big money. A place unpretentious, where you drive long and far to find an ATM machine. Where cell phones are not welcome. Where everyone goes barefoot and the main type of transporation is bicycle. Where children are safe.

Her happy place.

And she found herself one night, carrying on in a limosine in this small, unpretentious town. The limo pulled up to pick her up on her quiet street and the two little girls playing hopscotch on the sidewalk stood frozen, mid-hop, mouths agape, staring, fascinated at this larger-than-life vehicle. As the driver stood holding open her door, and she moved to step in, the freckle-faced girls excitedly asked her "Is that your limo? Can WE ride in it???" And this worldly girl looked at them, and said "Yes, it's for me and maybe if we get home in time we can drive you around the block." She knew damn well she wouldn't be home in time, but their excited faces tugged at her heart.

Later that evening, while riding around town light-headed from drinking champagne and cosmopolitans, she was stunned to realize that it no longer excited her to drive in a limo. And that depressed her. She took the one-hitter from her friend's extended hand, and as she struggled to light it in the cross wind of the slightly opened, tinted windows, a song came on.

And she heard Shirley Manson taunt:

"You pretend your hiiiiiiigh......."

And she looked at her friend and giggled and as her teeth clenched the bat and she tried once again to light it.

She ducked down, using her thumb to push flint against stone while releasing propane, and hoped for the three to create fire.

From far away, she heard Shirley accusing:

"Pretend you're bored

Prentend your anything

Just to beeeeeee adored"

She leaned back up and without saying anything, caught the eye of the friend next to her. Without exchanging a word, they pressed the two window button in unison, and the windows were sealed. They looked at other and laughed.

Fire. As her window closed, her lighter ignited and her mouth filled with smoke. She inhaled deeply and leaned back in the leather seat.

As the smoke traveled through her head and permeated her system, Shirley is sang:

"Don't believe in feeeeeear

Don't believe in faith

Don't believe in anyyyything

That you can't break"

As she exhaled, slowly, she began to sing along with Shirley, under her breath:

"You stupid giiiiiiiirl

You stuuuuuuupid girl

All you had you wasted

All you had you wasted"

She thought about thechorus, as she took another hit. As she held her breathe, Shirley told her:

"Don't believe in loveeeeeeee

Don't believe in hate

Don't believe in any-ttttthing

That you can't waste"

Exhale. She started to laugh at the irony of the song. She looked around at the crowd in the limo, her friends; it was as if she was in slow motion, and she saw them, drinking champagne, well-dressed, beautifully coiffed, bejeweled, each of these beautiful people monotonously singing to herself and himself:

"You stupid giiiiiirl

You stupid girl

Can't believe you faake it

Can't believe you fake it"

"Don't believe in feeeear

Don't believe in pain

Don't believe in anyooooone

That you can't tame"

And in her mind, she screamed at herself:

"YOU STUPID GIIIIRRRL

YOU STUPID GIRL

ALL YOU HAD - YOU WASTED

ALL YOU HAD YOU WASTED

YOU STUPID GIRL

YOU STUPID GIRL

CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FAKE IT

CAN'T BELIEVE YOU FAKE IT"

And she laughed to herself to stop the screaming in her head. She turned her head to look away from the others, and searched for something to focus on outside of the window. And she muttered to herself:

"You stupid girl."

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