Let's discuss the NYC subway, or specifically, the 6 line.

The 6, more than something J-Lo named her album, is my living nightmare.

The 6 line is basically the only underground line that runs the entire eastside of Manhattan. There are other express lines, like the 4 or the 5, which run below the 6 or sometimes on the tracks of the 6, just to throw everyone off and see who's really paying attention on weekends.

On the Westside, there are a plethora of lines, such as the 1, 2,3 and 9, the A, B, C, and D. They have subways on a number of Avenues (Broadway, Amsterdam, Central Park West), we only have the 6 which runs along Lexington Avenue.

When I first moved to NYC in October of 1995, I moved into an apartment on 95th and Third, exactly 1 block from the 6 stop at 96th street. All I did was walk out of my building and walk diagonal through a school playground and I was, On The 6.

We didn't move into this apartment because of its location, we moved in because it was the cheapest apartment we could find, with a rent of $1495 for 2 of us to share 493 squ. ft. in a doorman building. A vertible STEAL in the pre-Internet boom Manhattan.

I loved the 6 at 96th Street. I was far enough uptown so that I got on before the masses, who live more poshly further toward midtown, and I almost always had a seat. Plus, it was just exciting to walk out of my high rise building and walk with all of these other "adults" who were "New Yorkers."

I remember trying to remind myself not to smile with glee as I joined them in our trek to the subway that first year, so as not to let on that I didn't belong here, in their City.

And I took the subway, every day for 50 weeks a year for those 3 years that I lived there, barely having enough money to buy tokens (this was pre-Metrocards, people, stay with me here) after paying $8,970 annually for rent plus utilities and approximately $1,050 in transportation costs (annually) and earning $28,000 salary, which equates to about $19,600 after taxes in New York City. So let's see, after rent and tokens, that left me with about $9,580 to pay bills and live for 12 months.

Oh dear. That IS depressing. Thank God I never added that up before. Now we see how I got into such credit card debt in those days...but I digress.

I don't think I started to hate the subway until I moved into the 86th and Lex stop geographic. This new destination stop, I quickly learned, was a certifable nightmare. Fodder for Stephen King. In fact, it would scare the shit out of Stephen King.

Kramer on Seinfeld dubbed where "First and First" meet the lexus of the universe, I am proclaiming 86th and Lex to be the Black Hole of undergrounds. This stop will unglue the dalai lama.

Thousands of people, probably hundreds of thousands of people, use this subway stop everyday. Lines form as far down as 87th and Lexington (far northwest corner) just to enter the stairwell to descend to the turnstiles.

And you can forget about filling your metrocard on a Monday. People leave 45 minutes in advance on Monday to do this, 30 minutes now that the electronic refill machines are in place.

To make matters worse, if they can get worse here, all city and state policitians selct this hub, to campaign throughout the year. I've seen them all here: Guiliani, Green, Sharpton, Pataki - you name it. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if you told me that Al Gore campaigned here.

There are also numerous homeless people who sleep at the first landing in this station, which slows the lengthy descent and frequently causes professionals on their way down to slip and fall when they are trying to carefully step over a sexless, urine-soaked body on a cardboard box and the people 10 bodies back can't understand what the hold-up is and anxiously start a ripple of pushing through the line until inevitably, some handicapped or pregnant woman falls, and then the line steps over her and the person obligated to stop and help her up off the pee-soaked homeless person who has yet to move.

The 6 at 86th and Lex was this bad when I moved into its jurisdiction 5 years ago, but let me tell how much worse it is now. Since 1997, many, many luxury highrises have appeared in this radius. This means an influx of thousands more people, all trying to get on the subway. Pushing and squeezing like ants into the ground when the hose starts running.

Sometimes, you can wait 3 trains until you can finally force yourself onto the train. And then once you are on, prepare for the hordes of commuters who need to squeeze on at 77th St. I feel bad for the 77th St. crowd, they don't even have a chance. They may as well start walking. I have a theory that Lennox Hill hospital is located directly above the 77th St. stop to immediately treat the commuters at this stop who are either severly battered from trying to get on the train, or suffer a nervous breakdown from the effort.

Have you heard about the trains in Toyko? They have people employed to push humans into the cars like cattle into order to keep commuters on schedule and move them all. It is no exaggeration to say the 6 train is at this point.

Now, I don't like crowds. It freaks me out, especially if I am underground. I don't want to be touched by strangers. I am one of those personal space people. If we aren't friends, then don't touch me.

On the 6 you have to watch out for perverts who come up behind you and rub their exposed gentials on your back. In winter clothes, on a crowded train, it's hard to know if some freak is getting off or stumbling from the motion of the train and let me tell you, I know a number of girls who've shown up at work to find cum on the back of their jackets. It's foul.

I take the 6 to 51st Street, which is also known as the "pusher" station. Not, a drug reference (unfortanately) but psychotic homeless people who get so freaked out by the number of homeless people in this station that they wait until just before a train pulls up and they push an unsuspecting bystander onto the tracks. This usually results in a severed limb, although occasionally leads to death.

Because of this situation, I ALWAYS stand with my back to the wall of the station, away from the platform, until the train stops. I mean, some of these people appear normal, so in my book, you just can't be too safe.

The downside to my safety is that I am the last one to push onto the car, inevitably left with nothing to hold onto but the hope that by digging my heels into the steel floor of the car, I will maintain enough balance to surf my way through 4 stops until 86th.

My friends I have talked about campaigning to make subway surfing a new extreme sport - requiring that candidates wear uncomfortable heels while doing it - and us making money off illustrating a guidebook of our most successful Subway Surfing stances. There are so many good positions, particularly when holding a handbag or gymbag to add to the challenge, and watching to make sure you don't get pick-pocketed during the summer and holiday season. I would be like the Tony Hawk of Subway Surfing.

My feelings about the subway, have of course, amplified since the attack on New York. Last September, I decided there's going to be an attack down there and it is going to be a grand disaster. With so many people on the trains or waiting for a train, it's just a perfect target for some jihad freaks. Hell, before all of this jihad bullshit, the police busted some Aryan domestic freaks planning to release a deadly gas in the tunnels YEARS ago. This is no new idea, it's been out there. And without proper escape areas and virtually no ventilation, I just can't imagine how they could contain an attack of this kind.

And this is part of the reason why, I spend my money on taking taxi's to work. Call me 'Lil Cab Bitch (Riot) or what you will, but I'd rather go broke and walk then not have to deal with that ridiculousity.

Maybe tomorrow I'll discuss the buses.

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