You look Like
A perfect fit,
For a Girl In Need
Of a tourniquet
But can you save me?
Come on and save me....
If you could save me,
From the ranks
Of the freaks -
Who suspect -
They could never love anyone.
So I went out to dinner with D. last night for burgers and beers. However, due to that fact that I overdid it at happy hour, I was only able to partake in the beers. We were having a ball, reliving our reckless youth, when our friends C. and A. came in with A.'s cousin.
Turns out the cousin went to the same college we did. He and I start talking. He is very interested. Too interested, in my life. This means, he is either a) gay or b) a priest.
I can sniff them out. Both, that it is.
The answer is: b) a priest.
Anyway, as is usually the case with priests, they immediately sense that I am lost - could it be the chain smoking or the constant talk about moving somewhere else? - and the psychoanalyzing begins.
I can generally handle the priestly psychobabble well. Unlike the psychiatrists. My friend's parents are both psychiatrists and every time I see them, this is how the conversation goes:
SHRINK PARENT: Hi Partygirl, how are doing?
PARTYGIRL: Uh, fine…GOOD, ahhhh, I mean GREAT, things are GREAT! [BIG SMILE] Couldn't be better! I love everything! My job is fantastic, I love it, and I'm still living my apartment with those crazy girls, haha, they're Nuts, but BOY, are they fun, WHOA! No stopping us…yeah, eeerrrr, no complaints from me, NO WAY, yes sir, love this City, can't get enough of it!!…..errrr, why, what did A. tell you?
SHRINK: [SILENT, EYEBROW RAISED]
PARTYGIRL: I mean, umm, what did you hear? What? Did she tell you about the other night….because I was just overtired. Uhhhh, heh, I gotta go….Nice seeing you again!
SHRINK: You take care of yourself.
PARTYGIRL: Don't worry about me Doc., it's the other ones you should keep an eye on! ::WINK:: Check ya later!
As I walk away, I'm thinking "Shit! He knows something!"
Anyway, it's a different story with the priests. Generally they are just appalled with my lifestyle. So he's asking me all these questions about my life:
PRIEST: "Why would you want to move?"
PARTYGIRL: "Time for a change. Not a big committer."
"You don't need to move out of NYC…you need a change of scene. Move to another neighborhood."
"Why would I move to another neighborhood, when I could move somewhere fun, like San Fran or Germany?"
"What do you need to move so far away for? Where are your parents? "
"You don't want to leave your family like that?"
"Why not? What do I care? I've moved further. They like to travel."
"What are moving for"
"Why not? I'm bored?"
"What about your job?"
"What about them? They'll find someone else."
"What about your roommates?"
"They'll move on. Listen, I'm not definitely going anywhere, I'm just tossing the idea around. Like Maybe I'll join the Peace Corps."
" Where are your roommates?"
"Not here. Out. I don't know. My apartment is a shitshow right now."
"You know, a shit show. A mess. Everything's topsy-turvey. A shitshow. Anyhow, that's how it is. By the way, I'm only been to church like 4 times this year."
And that's the abbreviated version of how it went down the priest. Who told me he's eager to see me at the wedding he's officiating next week.
I wonder what he's going to do when I go up for communion after telling him I haven't gone to church nor confession?