So, where did I leave you all? I think on Friday, I was talking a big game about getting out this weekend and going out and hanging out and all of that.

Well, none of that happened.

Instead, I arrived at my summer destination around 10:30PM on Friday and everyone was already out. I guess if I had tried I could have tracked them down and met them out, but truthfully, I was beat, so I went to bed.

On Saturday I woke up and it was like a new day. I started making my calls. I called my friend F*, whom I�ve mentioned before. He and my friend E* are my all-time favorite couple. They are a perfect match and so much fun and just great friends.

A year ago, I was in charge of delivering the engagement ring. I picked it up here in NYC and brought it to F* so he could propose to E*. Everybody was all freaked out that I was in charge of this because *apparently* I have a reputation of getting into �situations.� But I got the ring and delivered it with no problems. And yes, I tried it on. HELLO � of course I tried it on! It was a 1.7 solitaire from Tiffany�s in an antique setting! It was screaming my name!!!!! Anyway, I told E* and F* later and they didn�t mind. PS � It looked great on my hand�

Okay, since I�m �fessin� � I *might* have let one of my roommates try it on too. But only because I thought there was an imperfection and needed to double check by seeing it on someone else�s hand! Honest! It looked real good on her hand too�

Back to the subject at hand. So I check in with F* who is really shy and has been a little queasy on the topic of their wedding these past two weeks. Cold feet. So their wedding is next weekend. So F* asks me if I still have the empty bedroom at my house. I laugh and say yes. He tells me that he might need to use it to �hide out� but I should not to tell anyone. I think he�s joking, so I laugh and agree.

I bike over to my brother�s where there appears to be an early day session going on. I run into some of his boyz, who follow me over there. The boyz start up with wedding talk, specifically, that they don�t think it�s going to happen.

I�m of the mind frame that it�s a week away, so it needs to happen. The boyz however, disagree. Apparently the groom has been talking some serious smack about having doubts. I chalk this up as cold feet. The boyz on the other hand, are taking it all very seriously. In fact, they have counseled the groom to seriously rethink the wedding.

Now, let me tell you something about the boyz. I love them each dearly, and that�s why I can tell you with the straightest face, that they are the biggest bunch of retards you have ever run into. They are what I might call, emotionally stunted. The closest thing they have had to a committed relationship, are their dogs.

I can say this, because I am right there with them. But at least, when I recognize that one of us has the opportunity to get out and make a life for himself/herself, I help push them out of this nest we are crammed in, rather than clip his wings so he fails like the rest of us.

I mean, you should see when one of the idiots gets a GF. Forget it. They can call him a pussy in 27 different languages. It�s kinda genius. And if I introduce a guy � watch out. They will ride me with some frightening imitation until I can�t even look at the victim with a straight face.

They are all like 32 and 33. Varying builds, but all good-looking. Their fake ages vary from 24-28. They don�t date girls over 25. They are all in the process of deciding what they want to do with their lives. Recently, several of them quit their day jobs and retired. Did I mention they are in their early 30�s? One of then, has a stuffed Scooby Doo toy and when there is a lull in the convo., he squeezes it and it says �Scooooooobyyyyy Doooooo!!!!!� Riiiiiiiggggght.

These, are my boyz. And these, are the friends of the groom. The people he is turning to for advice. And of course, they are telling him to postpone if he�s unsure.

Okay, let me tell you boys out there something. You don�t just �postpone� a wedding that is 7 days away. A wedding that is a week away, is pretty much a done deal. Postponing a wedding should be done two, three or six months in advance. In fact, if you are unsure � then DON�T PROPOSE. If you have doubts, don�t buy a RING.

But when someone�s parents have put down 25K of unreturnable American dollars on a one-day affair, you better make it happen. When 250 plus guests have responded to let you know that they are rearranging their lives to see you get married and wish you well, you do it. You don�t start questioning whether you think you are going to want to be with someone in 35 years.

Which brings me to my next point. Marriage is not a refrigerator. It doesn�t come with a warrenty. I know this isn�t going to be welcome news for a lot of guys out there, but it�s a leap of faith.

Marriage is a leap of faith. And you want to know someone else? No one is EVER sure. Do you know how many weddings I�ve been to??? Do you have any idea? If you�ve been reading this journal for a while, you *might * know.

Everybody has doubts. Because you are marrying another human being with imperfections, just like yourself. And you are saying, �till death do us part� and in the back of your mind, you are fucked going in because you know that in our society, its not necessarily until death do us part. It�s until the �hottie neighbor bags my significant other� do us part. And that is one fucked up mentality, making marriage even more of a leap of faith.

So I now have a freakin� out groom and a bunch of idiots who have decided the wedding is not happening so we should all start thinking of the reception as the new �Summer Kick Off� party.

Now, I know that�s funny. It�s okay to laugh at that because I did. Actually, that comment made the bride laugh a little later in the scenario. But really. This is what I�m dealing with. These idiots even planned on raffling off the honeymoon as a door prize!

I nipped this (somewhat) in the bud, telling the boys it was cold feet and that they were not to encourage this any more.

And then I called the bride. The bride, was not doing well. The groom had just told the bride that he was �having doubts� and she told him to get out of the house. He packed a bag and left the house and the state. Seven days, prior to the wedding.

In short, a few hours later, I drove over in the pouring rain to the scene of the crime. I wasn�t sure I�d be welcome; I knew it was none of my business and I had no idea what I was going to say or how I was going to help, but nobody seemed to be helping this situation on either end and with her bridesmaid's nowhere to be found, I pulled my hooded sweatshirt up over my head and I ran to the porch through the downpour of rain.

The bride was home alone. The parents had come and gone. She�d sent them off. She tracked down the groom and ordered him to come back to their house to sort out this mess, regardless of the situation. She had no intention of facing his relatives to break the news of a wedding that he had called off.

So I sat with her as she somewhat tearfully explained what had happened and how during the blow up, he had said the wedding is off.

I smoked a cigarette and I thought it though. �E*,� I said, �F*, whom I have known for years, is a jackass.�

And for the next hour and a half I broke it down. I broke it down like I didn�t even know I could. I explained the mentality of these men we know. I explained that she shouldn�t blame herself. I agreed that his friends are losers providing the wrong example and advice.

And I think most importantly, I gave her a glimpse into the high school mindset that is her fiance. What he may be thinking and why he is doing what he is doing.

I basically, broke down the fear factor. Guys handle fear in totally bizarre ways. And he was doing the classic, �I can�t handle this so I am going to force her to break up with me so I can get out of this� guy maneuver. Do guys think girls don�t know this maneuver? Puh-lease. It�s one my patented moves!

In a guy�s mind, because they spend no time planning the wedding, they think it�s okay to just bail. Guess what!? It�s not. First of all, her father will probably kill you. And if he doesn�t get you, your own parents will probably kill you for the embarrassment you have wrought, so just forget it. And if they don�t get you and I am a friend of yours, I may kill you.

I have a very busy schedule and I work these weddings into them, months in advance. I shop for an outfit. I attend engagement parties, bridal showers galore, costly bachelorettes. I have a vested interest in this wedding! I have a stake in this too! You see that leaded Waterford crystal bowl? Yeah, that cost fucking MONEY, jack!

Money I don�t have but that I saved so I could help you get a start in your life together and let me break it down for you: I�d like crystal of my own, damnit! I want matching china and silverware and fondue sets! I need new pots and pans! I need place settings and water glasses! I entertain, damnit! I need that shit too. But because I didn�t send out heavyweight invitations, I guess I don�t need that stuff. I guess nobody buys *me* anything.

I guess I don�t get a surprise shower with tons of gifts including a Grateful Dead pottery cookie jar that I reallyreallyreally want. I guess nobody is going to give me envelopes of money. I guess there�s no expensive white dress and big party for me, is there???

Huh, IS THERE??!?!?!

And that, my friends, is part of the reason why this wedding is now back on. The groom came back to town with a new perspective on marriage. The bride took him back with a new perspective on his feelings and fears. They have recognized that everyone has doubts, but that they love each and want to try making a life together. They want to make leap of faith.

And I ended with the weekend with no wild and crazy nights out, but with a new perspective of the equation of: me + weddings=totally unbalanced. I am really getting the raw end of the deal here.

I am considering going on wedding strike.

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