I've been a fan of the Beastie's since I was 13 years old and bought a copy of Licensed to Ill. It was a revelation to me, after worshiping Grandmaster Flash and RUN DMC, to learn that white people can rap too.

My parents never let me go to rap shows when I was younger, mainly because I was too wild already and frankly, they didn't want me going anywhere where kids outnumbered adults. They were smart.

I remember my first Beastie's show in college, and I was with the toast of it all. We've told this story before - it was clog chaos and I got carried out of the mud in the mosh pit by some stranger after some guy in Timberlands stepped on me. That sucked. And then I went back in.

I've been to 5 BB shows. Basically, I've gone to any that I've had the opportunity to go to. I reallyreallyreally like the BB. So it was really cool ofthe bizatch known as Gingi to think of me when she bought tickets.

I've also been dying to see Cibo Matto live, and the B-52's, and to find out what all this buzz is about regarding The Strokes.

It was all good. Sunday night, it all happened. This dude was there and cool. Yoko Ono was there, and she did some Yoko shrieking thing which was great, and we all know how I love Yoko. The chick gets a bad rap! You think it's easy sustaining a moody, junk addict?? Try it.

Moving on to the BB. Throughout my fanaticism for all that is Beastie, I have managed to have a crush on all of them. Originally, I loved the D. of it all. Loved Mike D., but then he went and married Tami D. and that was over. For a while I loved MCA, because he looked like my friend 'Lil Dobe's BF but then she broke up with him and the real MCA got hitched and he was out. So I settled on Adrock.

(It's really scary, how my mind works, isn't it? It's a lot of work, people, living in my own world.)

In truth, I liked Adrock to start with but he was with Ione Sky and that really killed that because how can you covet Ione's BF? She's the bomb and you can't not love her. She was a teen icon! She's Donovan's daughter who never acknowledged her until she was famous. My heart went out to her and really, whose wouldn't? You had to cheer her on when she got the guy.

Then they split and I was really feeling it for her. She'd put in the time, gave up her career during its highpoint, to back Adrock and then he gave her the Heisman.

I got over that after seeing Adrock speak about the treatment of women at the last Woodstock debacle. He was at some MTV awards show and he really just put it out there. Here was this former rap deviant, telling the world that it's just not cool to freak girls. I had to come back to his side.

But on Sunday, he really outdid himself. He kept saying "Hey! Is everybody ok out there? Does everybody feel safe? Because you should, you're okay here. For a little while you're going to hear this music and it goes to a good cause." And then he would look kinda disbelieving and ask repeatedly, "Hey, are all y'all's families ok? I sure hope they are, man. I hope they are."

I really wanted to yell from the back of the ballroom, "Hey! My friend's families aren't ok! They're not ok. I'm effected. Hey - I searched days for friends and sometimes I stare at the bluesky and wonder how they've been gone for 6 or 7 weeks. So, no, not everyone in this room is ok. But thanks for thinking to ask. Thanks for acknowledging that. Thanks for performing and giving me almost an hour that I didn't think about my friends and wonder if they died a painful death. Thanks for that."

The show was really excellent. Some college-aged chicks got me buzzed in the bathroom. Actually, two different groups of girls. The guy behind me got half-naked and started giving hugs to strangers while screaming, "LOVE EACH OTHER! EVERYONE MUST LOVE!" I felt so college.

I'm 28. Moving on...

The show was great and the message was positive. I can't say I'm there with the nonviolence, but I do practice non-discrimination among New Yorkers of Middle Eastern descent and in fact, have been told that I am overcompenstating with acts of kindness for them because I am so afraid that Amercia will turn into an unthinking witch hunt of these people, many with absolutely no ties to terrorists.

That said, I am not backing down from my position yesterday. I believe that we need to play hardball with the citizens of these countries who are harboring known terrorists. Somebody knows something. Somebody saw something. Somebody knows another someone who knows something. And that's how we end this and deal justice to the hands of these people playing God with our lives.

But this is really about the Beastie's and my love for them and all that is, Adrock. Maybe I do love them all.

PS - Am I 15?? Is this a teenager's diary? How did I just spend all of this time discussing my crush on a group of rappers I will never hang out with????

I'm gonna end this now...l8r!

PaRTyGRRl <3 ADroCk 4eVr

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