Saturday afternoon was spent walking through the rain without an umbrella. I walked for about 40 blocks.

I played my MP3 player on repeat to consider this:

"I don't feel the suns comin' out today its staying in, its gonna find another way. As I sit here in this misery, I don't think I'll ever see the sun from here. And oh as I fade away, they'll all look at me and say, and they'll say, Hey look at him! I'll never live that way."

I looked at New York and tried to remember what it used to be like for me. I thought about what makes New York great. Little quiet neighborhoods filled with beyond cool clothes and exquisite restaurants. Going from Chinatown to Little Italy to Harlem. Celebrity filled nights. Action. A constant thump that electrifies the town.

And I heard,

"But that's okay, they're just afraid to change. When you feel your life ain't worth living you've got to stand up and take a look around you then a look way up to the sky."

I thought about my future and tried to imagine myself in a new place with a new life.

"And when your deepest thoughts are broken, keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin' it's time to die.

I thought about how I could be making a huge mistake. I may be stepping off the very track I need to take.

"And as we all play parts of tomorrow, some ways will work and other ways we'll play. But I know we all can't stay here forever, so I want to write my words on the face of today."

A thought struck me. Life is for the living. And living means changing. To grow, I need to make mistakes. I can't be honest with myself by playing it safe forever.

My friends will always be my friends regardless of where I choose to live. Even though they are currently threatening to revoke friendships. New York City will always be here for me. I can always come back, but I can never get a second chance at a new life in my twenties.

"...and then they'll paint it. And oh as I fade away, they'll all look at me and they'll say, Hey look at him and where he is these days."

If I sucks then I did it and I know it sucks. But if I don't do something, then I've failed myself.

When life is hard, you have to change.

previous next