I am a little bit irritated with myself because I feel like a floatation device right now, kind of bobbing on top of the ocean and difting with no charted course or goal.

It drives me crazy to be this way. I used to hate people like me.

I am also irritated because I fraternized with someone from work tonight and as a general policy, I don't do that. I've broken this policy in the past, but usually only with girl-friends, and they ended up being cool and/or switching jobs, so fun-loving bad behavior was never an issue.

Fraternizing with guys is completely different dynamic. It can get downright weird and it's partially me that makes it weird, but also not, because something weird always happens so it can't be like I am pulling weirdness out of guy after guy, gay or straight, right? I have this characteristic dynamic, I can't describe it. I'm pretty sure that I don't create "situations," yet I think it's my severe avoidance of "situations" that directly creates them and therefore in the end, it is my fault.

Situations, that can pretty much sum up my life. Meaningless weird situations. I am trying to avoid them from now until death and by sheer will of avoiding them, I think I may be creating them. People can sniff you out, when you call yourself out of the game. And out of nothing more than boredom and intrigue, they challenge you. Or me.

None of this probably makes any sense to you. It makes no sense to me either.

The last few months have teemed with weird situations.

What am I doing with my life?

Looking forward to the solitude. Lockdown sounds better and better.

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