Dear God -

Okay, It's been a while. And I know I haven't been to church in months and I've been living a life of reckless abandon filled with sin and frankly, you don't owe me any favors...but I really need your help.

I can't even deal. And maybe this is like a "test" or something right now and you know I am, like, your girl when it comes to tests, but now isn't really a good time for a "test." So maybe I could get a reprieve or an extension or something?

Or how about some type of buffer for just a week? I'm just asking for a week here, God. And in your time, a week has to be like, pocket change right? Can't you send me one of those angel-thingy's? Those Guardians? Because you know I am an idiot. And I need the help. You KNOW I am going to stick my foot in my mouth and I could really use some extra help at work this week while my boss is out and I am "responsible."

I mean, it's only Monday and quite frankly, if things keep up like this, I will crack. Between you and I, we can both admit that I am really only an inch away from the line of insanity that I toe on a daily basis. Please send someone to keep me on the safe side of that line. I'm begging. I'll do anything.

Okay, I know I've said that before, but I have always meant it! What do you want? What's your end of the deal? My firstborn? It's yours! Right, I know I've offered my firstborn to about 10 people - starting with the clerk at the YMCA in Munich when I was filthy and homeless and needed a shower, oh that's right, he was the second, the first was when I was begging you to make my parents to pay for my limo to the junior prom, but you can't really count that one if it didn't happen, right?

How about if you give me one of those "grace" periods I hear about all the time? You know my name was originally going to be Grace, remember!? So it's my birthright! Give me Grace!!!!!!

And I say grace at dinner...when I'm home at my parents, but that should COUNT!

Alright, I know I have nothing to bargain with here. I know I probably owe you for all the favors you've already granted. For the fact that I've even lived this long.

But I really don't want to go out like this. I can't take the stress. You know I freak. And then I get swept up in my own drama and I overdo it on the coffee and then I start chainsmoking and before long my head starts spinning from the stress and the food deprivation and the caffeine and nicotine over dose and I can't even think tangibly and that's when it all goes wrong.

YOU KNOW. You've seen it before. All I'm asking is for a little help this time, while I am trying to look responsible.

Please don't let me fuck this up. Oh, and Mary, if you're up there, I would like to remind you that I always WANTED to be May Queen and I just never got picked. So I should get points for that. And let's not forget that I played you in the Knights of Columbus Christmas pagent when I was 12, and I was, as the Knights and priest told me, a fantastic Mary. I did you J. So maybe you could return the favor?

Thanks.

Your friend,

Partygirl

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