So, I'm back.

I left work on Wednesday at noon and didn't return until this morning. I was "sick."

Truly, the stress has made me ill. Mentally and physically. But who wants to get into that.

So I was just telling my office that I saw Girl, Interrupted while I was out. I said Lisa scared me and C. interrupted and told me I am Lisa. Anyway to continue my thought, I said Lisa scared me because I love to push people's buttons like that and I could see myself pushing someone over the edge like that. I used to be really bad in high school. Now I feel I've curbed myself to only pushing people who feel they are untouchable. And sometimes just to fuck with people who fuck with other people.

Actually I only came to terms with this imperfect facet of my personality recently. Triggered by two events. One was at a bridal shower a year or two ago when this girl came up to me who lived in my dorm Sophomore year of college. She asked me if I remembered when she stood up to give a presentation in a class and she was so nervous that she passed out and broke her glasses and they had to transport her to the infirmary where she got a bunch of stiches on her head. I said no, I wasn't in that class. She asked me if I remember the nickname everyone was calling her - it was something glass related, and I can't even remember it now. She said it was horrible and everyone on campus was yelling it at her. I said, well, it must not have been that big of a deal, because I hadn't heard the secret. I believe I even said something conspiratorial like, "Your secret's safe with me!" And she looked at me like I had two heads and said "You knew about it, PG (actually, she used my real name), what are you talking about??? You're the one who made up the nickname! You used to have people yell it at me when I walked in the cafeteria. I never got over that." What the hell am I supposed to say to that? Jesus, I don't even remember that incident, let alone remember doing that? I kinda feel bad. I feel I must have been joking....maybe she was one of those overly sensative types? She needs to let that go.

But then I started thinking about it again, when my friend C. was excited about his BF taking him out for dinner for no reason. He couldn't believe it because his BF never does anything like that and he was ssssssssooooooooooo excited and he was like I wonder what got into him? And without a thought I said, "Maybe he wants to break up with you is planning on doing it in a public place....I mean how happy have you been lately?" C. was like "EEEEEEeeeeeeeewwwwwwww. PG - What gets into you sometimes??? What lives inside you that yearns to be so eviiiiiillll?" I was like, "Hmmmmm? Not sure. Sometimes I just want to say something nasty. Just because I can. I can't help it. It's like I get off on it."

That, or I have no heart. Sorry.

I realize this description of me is a dichtomy. Compared to my last "I'm a nice person" entry. Maybe it's just overflow from trying to be so nice to some people. Or, maybe I am Lisa from Girl, Interrupted. What the fuck did she have anyway?

Enough.

Tuesday night I saw "A Scary Movie." Raunchy like no other. Wednesday night I went for dinner with my old friend Nini. In from San Fran. for work. Thursday (sick day #2) watched Sleepy Hollow (would have been better on the big screen) and Happy Texas (wasn't as good as I thought it would be). Painted a wall in my room. All trippy and such, a colorful border around the door frame. It's totally rad.

BTW - Does Illeana Douglas bug anyone as much as she bugs me? Ick.

Fourth of July is my favorite holiday. Did any of you know that? Yes, more than Christmas, more than my angst filled birthday's and Halloween and Thanksgiving, I covet July 4th. It's something about fireworks. A cold beer, on a hot day. Being tan and happy and with friends. Riding bikes in the dark...party hopping...kissing boys...that's what I remember and I love it. There was always an adventure on July 4th. Fireworks are how I feel inside a lot, and it's so exciting to see that feeling on the outside, and for it to be so beautiful. When you're young, you always feel like fireworks. I remember always being excited. Never knowing what was going to happen next. And loving that feeling.

I'm started to feel that now. It's going to be a long bus ride.

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