I'm back.

The weekend started out great and careened downhill, like a runaway wagon with a blown-out tire, speeding toward a concrete wall.

And now I am back. Transported to this surreal workstation, where I have nothing to do but think as hard as I can. That's the problem with a thinking job, sometimes, other thoughts creep in and destroy your focus. Usually, those are thoughts about my personal life. Or lack thereof. Or disaster thereof. Which leads to overanalyzation. Which leads to either anger or depression. Generally, the anger evolves into depression.

And that brings us to the present. Hating my choice of career, hating my life, hating myself.

Not knowing how to get out of this mess I created. Not knowing how I can stop this tornado that is my life, whirling above ground, a force of nature that man cannot control nor ground.

Sometimes I see it spinning so fast around me, I think the only way to stop it is to end it myself. Quick! While no one is around! Act fast, grab that cord, wrap it around your neck....JUMP!

But I could not. Never. As much as it presents itself as the only solution, as much as it seems the only way to end the misery, to punish everyone who's ever done a bad thing to me, to seek forgiveness from everyone I've hurt, I could never be such a coward. I could never inflict such pain on the people around me. And I hate that too. I hate that I can't do it. Sometimes I hate them for keeping me here.

Feel Good, Feel Great, Feel Great, Feel Good, Feel Letdown, Feel Hurt ::turn that hurt inward::, Feel Replusion and then Hatred for myself. I would like to end this pattern in my life. That's what I am thinking about today. I would like to live without the lows - I would like to stop projecting anger inward. I want to vent. When I get angry - I want to SCREAM and YELL like everyone else and not blame myself. When I'm sad, I would like to be able to cry.

But I can't. I think I'm broken. The problem is that God doesn't want this return.

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