Readers, it is by the grace of the River Gods that I am here to type this entry this morning. (Love that lead, made me feel very J. Kerouac~)

One note before I start my story: Junmping out of a taxi at Penn Station on Friday night. Slam the door and a truck screeches to a halt and the truck driver yells "Hey Lady! You dropped something!" I assume he's speaking to someone else (I'm no lady) until a crowd starts forming in front of me and the people stopped on the sidewalk are pointing behind me and telling me I dropped something. I turn around - my wallet fell out of my bag and was right in front of the truck tire. He'd almost run over it. I ran out and grabbed it, said thanks, dropped my head in embarrassment and ran inside the station. Maybe I should get that wallet strapped to my ass, as recommended by my coworkers?

On to the canoeing trip. It was a remarkable day, and luckily we didn't overdo it with the drinking the night before. We packed a couple of coolers with food and water (no beers, almost like we had foresight into what was to come). T. and I stop at Big K (that's K-Mart for you civilians) and pick up sunglasses, I decided not to buy a bathing suit since we don't think we'll be swimming. And how wet can can you get canoeing? Ha. Anyway, the crowd is a bunch of hottie's...with GF's. Annoying. So they load us on a bus and we embark on a 30 minute drive from where we parked our cars, which was the finishing spot. And we get there. And we get our canoes and I'm getting really excited. So I have to pee again.

We are one of the last of the group to put our canoe in the water. I'm rowing with Kristin, my roommate T.'s fun sister. T. is rowing with her other sister Karen, and this guy Dennis they met on the bus, who came alone and had no one to row with. We should have realized in advance that anyone who shows up for a canoe trip alone is luggage.

And we're off. I have my life jacket on (because M2k told me to wear it and after thinking about it, I thought that was probably a good idea considering my accident track record) but Kristen tells me I don't need to wear it, and I look around and NOBODY has it on, so I take it off. I'm steering and Kristen is the power. We take off. It turns out that the 2 burnouts are actually good canoe-ers! We are cracking up! We're last in the water but within 10 minutes or so, we fly by the other boats, taking turns in the boat with no problems and total control of the boat. We pass T., and Karen and Dennis who are going zig-zag across and down the river - apparently Dennis was not such a good steerer.

We stop and wait for T. and crew to catch up but it's taking a while, so we hang out. Then we decide to move on, and at one point we have a near accident when we try to avoid the shallow middle of the river and we run into a tree; Kristin ducks and avoids it and it smacks me right in the face and I get stuck in the tree. I'm all tangled up in the branches, laughing and trying to wiggle out of it and Kristen tries to swing around and help me, which nearly topples the boat. I'm screaming, she's laughing, we recover and keep going. We are flying down the river, cocky, and we pass an older man in a tie-dye and he turns to us and says, "there's a speed limit in this town, girls." We laugh. About an 1 1/2 hr. into the trip we decide to stop at a rock and wait for the other boat so we can eat. They catch up and we quickly learn that Dennis is waaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy annoying.

After lunch we take off again and we soon approach our first rapid. But we're cocky. We flew down the river when other people had problems getting it together so we think we can take anything. And without looking at the 3 foot drop off - why should we, how tough is a 3 foot drop off? - Kristen rows us right to the middle edge and without even thinking we start to ride down the rapid. But if we had LOOKED, we would have seen that the middle was all rocks, and the way to succeed down the drop is to go to the left or the right where there's more water running over the massive rocks.

Meanwhile, there are a bunch of canoe-er's wading in the river at the bottom of the drop, and even more on the little beach to the left of the drop. I look behind us, and the other boaters are backed up behind us, waiting to watch and see how we do. So, like I said, Kristen rows us right into the middle of the rapid and as we start to slide down over the rocks our boat gets stuck and spins so that we are now sideways, perched on the rocks in the middle of the drop, and if either one of us moves left or right or so much as sneezes, the boat is going to tip.

I'm am remarkably calm, but those of you who know me can guess why. Actually, I'm kind of finding this amusing because 1) I've never been over rapids on a canoe, so I have no idea how dangerous it is to be in this position, 2) Everyone on the beach is starting to come in the water and they are screaming directions. Again, I had no idea how dangerous this position was, so I thought everyone was just being friendly coming in the water and trying to get to the boat. So Kristin steps out of the boat and is how holding her end to keep the canoe from dropping and the force of the water now swings my end around, regardless of Kristen holding her end, so I am going to drop back-first down this rapid. I looked up at Kristen, she's standing at the top of the drop off and she's still holding her end of the boat, laughing at my expression, and I say to her, "Don't do this to me Kristen, don't drop me off of this fall backwards. Don't drop me off backwards." All I'm thinking is that if I'm going go backwards into this, I can't control the boat. People were yelling at her telling her to get in the boat. Because without her in it, there would only be weight in the front part of the boat and I would go flying.

Here's what happened. She's puts one leg in the boat and uses her other leg to balance herself while rotating the boat so we are sideways again (why would she want us to ride the rapid sideways????? I have no idea). She uses her leg to push us off and then tries to jump in, but her jumpiness and the force of the water pushes us down, makes the boat lean to the side and in slow motion I see us going down the drop, tipping, Kristen diving out - away from the boat, and the whole time I stayed in the boat. I could have dove out but I stayed in because I thought I could ride it out. The problem is that when she dove in, her foot tipped the boat and I fell in sideways. I fell under water and started to swim up to the surface but the canoe had flipped and the next thing I knew it was closing in on top of me. My back was flat against the rocks and the canoe started to suction around my body, like a vaccuum. I couldn't feel the force of the rapids anymore because I was totally enclosed in a water casket and it was eerie. I was underwater, stuck between the rocks underneath me an the canoe upside down on top of me and I was pushing up against the canoe but it wouldn't budge. I started to try to swim out the side, where there was an inch opening btwn. the canoe and the rocks, trying to focus on keeping my head raised so I wouldn't hit it on any rocks. I can't get out. So I start hysterically laughing, realizing that this is how I am going to die, trapped in water that's about waist high if I could just stand up.

The next thing I knew the pressure was off, and I was able to slide out the side of the canoe and swim under water downstream. I came up for air and I couldn't breathe - I was coughing up water. I guess I hadn't even realized that I had swallowed water down there while I was laughing at my own ridiculous impending death. I mean really swallowed water. Not like when you swim in the ocean and swallow some water. Different. Like I didn't know how I could have swallowed so much water but it was coming out of me like a priest was exercising Satan from my body. And the force of projecting the water from my lungs is bringing me under again and I am just trying to stand and these other canoe-ers who are out there trying to help us are screaming, "are you okay? are you okay? are you okay?!!!" But I can't answer because I can't even breathe yet and they understand and they tell me to keep swimming downstream, that it is shallower further down and away from the rapids. So I make it down there and I catch my breathe and I look at Kristen I just start laughing. Laughing and yelling "Jesus Christ! You just tried to kill me!"

The swimmers found all of our stuff, and unfortunately my guatamalan bag was unzipped when we tipped and my camera flew out - bye, bye. But they recovered everthing else: my wallet, my sneakers, two packs of soggy cigarettes, my sweatshirt, etc. What a mess. Now I know to wear my berks, wear a bathing suit, and keep EVERYTHING in water proof packs.

Crowd Reaction: So this one guy, the last face I saw before I was swept under the canoe, says to me "I saw you get sucked under the canoe and I thought that was the last time I'd see you." Gee, thanks buddy. Karen, "I thought everything was okay, until I saw the faces of these big guys in the water. They turned white, their faces just dropped, and started scrambling toward the overturned canoe and that's when I thought, uh,oh, something is very wrong." T., "I didn't even look, because I thought you were are all okay, but when I didn't see both your heads come up out of the water, I started to get a bad feeling."

We rested for a couple of minutes on the little island area, laughing hysterically the whole time about the incident and we decided to shove off. I was pretty tired at this point, so I told Kristen she could paddle alone for a while since she tried to kill me. Unfortunately, at this point, we have no cigarettes nor a working lighter. That sucked.

T. and crew caught up, the rest of them had carried their boats down the rapids after our incident, and we rowed for another 45 minutes before we came to another, larger rapid. Maybe a 4 foot drop. I know, all you rafters out there are probably cracking up at us for not being able to manuever down these little drops. It's so embarrassing. Regardless, this time, I insist that Kristin and I row up the side of the river and to the edge to see where we need to go down. T. and crew go straight up to the rapid and without evaluating, start to go over. Kristen and I see that the only way to make this one is to go over to the left and steer your boat diagonal down the drop. Tara's boat gets stuck in the middle of the drop like ours did last time. They are all arguing and that sissy Dennis is squealing "Let me out, Let me out,let's carry it down." Kristen goes over to help them. I stay and hold onto our canoe, cracking up at them being stuck and arguing. Karen steps out from the power end, and stands on the rocks, holding the canoe. Dennis gets out from the middle, nearly tipping the canoe. T. is the last to get out and they decide to carry the canoe to where I am, and pass it down over the rocks. Karen carefully climbed down the drop and waded over to the side where we were.

It took us a while to get the canoe's down the drop, then to climb down the drop and get back in and shove off. Those rocks are slippery! I was barefoot and at one point, slipped so hard I thought I cut my toe off. Just skinned it. This might explain the function of those gay water shoes I see at the beach. Actually, they're still gay if you wear those shoes at the beach but I understand why you need them for the river or rafting.

Last hour of the trip felt like an eternity. Passed the old man in the tie-dye again and he yells over "Nice work crossing that rapid." I was cracking up - this guy was busting on us the whole time. He knew when we were speeding ahead that we were too cocky. Further proof that slow and steady wins the race. Anyway, at the calmest part of the river, idiot Dennis ends up tipping T.'s boat by sitting on the middle bar. What a moron. They tell you one thing when you start your trip and that's "Never EVER sit on the middle bar because it will tip the canoe." So Kristen and I had to row back upstream about 50 feet and help them all get back in their canoe.

Finally, we arrive at the finish stop. I thought we'd never get there and I could hardly row anymore. But we made it. Soaking wet and tired as hell.

Drove back to T.'s to shower and change for the BBQ for the canoe-ers. Laid down for about 30 min. before we had to get ready and I was movin' pretty slow. Drove the the BBQ, which was at this old schoolhouse on a farm. Hit the keg, spoke with a few people. Literally, could not quench my thirst to save my life. Everyone was really nice. The band was good. As it got dark, some guy gets up there to give out awards. Feeling safe, as nobody here knows my name , I slink to the back and watch. They announce the "George of the Jungle Award" for this guy who parked his canoe to climb up a tree and grab the rope attached for kids to swing into the river. However, he got to the top and slipped, caught the rope and swung into another tree! He told me this earlier at the BBQ, when he was trying to make me feel better about my incident. They announce "Best Capsize," and it went to his couple I hadn't met. Sweet, I'm home free. And then I hear, "For worst judgement of the day, we have the Jack Kevorkian-Most-Likely-to-Kill-Themselves-While-Canoeing".......Kristen and Partygirl." "Kristen and Partygirl..." "Where are they...Kristen...Partygirl...." Kristen's like "I'm not going up there." So I said, let's go. So they make us get up on the stage, with the band (which was good because I had my eye on the bass player anyway) and the guy is like, "any thoughts on your trip down the Brandywine?" I said "yes, I learned I can die in the Brandywine. Thank you." The crowd cheered. Were they cheering because I was funny, or because I almost died? Not sure. I started to walk off stage but the random lead singer was like "Wait, tell us what happened!" I pretended not hear him and walked offstage with Kristin behind me. The crowd of guys back where I was standing was like congratulations, and I said, yup, thanks, that was about as close to being Sylvia Plath as I ever want to get.

Left the party early, as we were tired and rented The Sixth Sense as a closer to the day. Not so scary. How come I can't see dead people? Not that I want to, but it might be cool for like a day.

Actually, I almost was dead people. Kinda ironic.

Next entry: Returning to NYC on the day of the Puerto Rican Day Parade. Several thoughts on this.

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