I have this friend, A. You may remember when I gave him a shout out here. We've been friends since college. It's a platonic boy-girl type thing.

We also have the My Best Friend's Wedding thing going on. We were drinking one night a couple of years ago, and he made me promise that if we were 30 and not married, we would get married. I protested and said 30 was too young, so he said 35, I think I may have also protested that as too young and we compromised at 38. Mainly because he also made me agree to have his children, and after 38 he felt we'd be too old. He's convinced, by the way, that we are going to have Uberkinder (Superchildren). He thinks they are going to be beautiful, brilliant - because he says we are both brilliant, although he ranks his intellect higher and credits me with savvy (frankly, he's probably right, but I would never admit this to him) and he thinks they are going to be cool - because for some reason he also thinks I am cool.

Anyway, we've never hooked up. Although, hurricane and frogs have both told me, enough already, why don't you guys date? This goes also for my parents, his parents, his last live-in girlfriend who insisted that we were having an affair and miscellaneous others.

Basically, everyone except for the two of us. It's just not like that. I can't explain it.

He's my exact opposite: Staunch Republican from below the Beltway, Mr. Wall Street Trader, making the Big Bucks, not really into music, no drugs and attached to his cell phone. Two weeks ago, I got the call at work, "Partygirl, I'm sick of not being able to track you down. We are getting you a cell phone. I need to be able to contact you." And that's the end of that. I protested, I rationally explained how cell phones are a communist tool used to enslave people to corporate America and to make them dependent on technology, and he laughed and said, "Nonsense, we are getting you a cell phone." No doubt he's already placed the order. ::SIGH::

Anyway, he's similar in that he loves to drink and go out - possibly more than me, and we have common friends and common backgrounds...

A few weeks ago, I had to have an intervention with him and tell him that he was turning into me. I mean, he shows up at my apt., and he's been out like 20 days in a row, drinking like a fish, he's now smoking (and telling me he's trying to quit! Trying to quit?!? You're not a smoker! You should just, throw them out!) AND - this is the clincher - HE GOT A TATTOO.

Okay, this is no small tattoo. It's a MAJOR piece of body art spanning his thigh. And then he's taunting me telling me he's finally one-upped me.

I really cannot be one-upped. I just will not have it.

So he's like, come on, I'll take you to get a tattoo. So now, I'm like - I don't want a tattoo. Everyone has a tattoo. I'd rather do something original.

Maybe I'll get pierced (because THAT's not mainstream or anything::SNORT::), I throw in the convo. In fact, I'm thinking about piercing a nipple. He freaks out. He's like, of course, you have to do the one thing I wouldn't do.

So now I just like to keeping talking about getting pierced.

Anyway, back to my friend. After the break up with the live-in GF, when he woke me up on a Saturday and made me help him move out of his apt. and the whole time I was trying to hide in the truck in case she came home and tried to beat me up, he went through a series of Ms. Rights.

All of whom, turned out to be, Ms. Right Now.

And honestly, these poor girls. I found out, that apparently, as soon as he meets them, he's like, "My friend Partygirl is going to LOVE you." And it became this sick game of him bringing these girls around and asking me if I liked them.

Now, I have to tell you, the majority of these girls were nerds, so of course I didn't like them. We had the Lawyer (#1 in her class is how he pitched her to me), but everytime I was supposed to meet her she flaked out so he dumped her. Then we had the caterer, who hated me and was outright mean, so I told him to call me when he was done with her - I refused to hang out with her. She eventually became psycho. Then we had the divorcee, but she did herself in when she wore a "bad outfit" according to A. That and her nose, which he couldn't live with.

There was the one who was around for 2 months and he told me, she is EXACTLY like you - everyone keeps saying it - you are going to love her. This, I found somewhat bizarre and I wondered, why would you want to date someone like me? But I went along with it and he brought the girl over to my party. She was, adorable. Truly, adorable. And she was just this cute hippie chick and she's in my room and she's looking at my CD's and is like, "Oh, I LOVE Phish and I Love Neil Young" and she sees my framed original concert poster of Janis at the Fillmore East and is like, "Oh, I have these Janis bootlegs..."and we are chatting, and I am thoroughly enjoying this chick and she sees a bowl being passed among the burn outs in my room and she says, "I used to love to smoke," so I asked her, "do you want it?" And she says, "well, don't let A. see," so now I am hiding this girl from my friend so she can smoke...Then she sees my drum and she asks if I play, because she has a drum and plays all the time, so now I am starting to find this a little weird, but I dismiss it as just trying hard. The next thing I know, A. grabs one of my two-way radios and starts telling this story about when we were with his parents tailgating and using the radios and she's like, "I know, I have the EXACT same ones." A. and I just look at each other and my friends are cracking up at this point and are like...okaaaaaaaaaaay. She needs to chill.

So I called A. the next week and was like, "I have a female crush on your GF and I thought about not telling you because I am sure with this knowledge, you will find some way to fuck it up." And he did about 2 weeks later. Meanwhile, I found out post-break up that when I borrowed cash and then gave him a check to deposit in a week - she told him to stop lending me money. And he was said "no." And there was some disagreement. Anyway, then she started asking him to borrow cash and offering to give him a check! When he told me this, I was DYING. I was like, hello, she cannot diss me and then use my tactic. That's so wrong.

So two weeks ago he calls me at midnight on a Thursday and wakes me up. He can't believe I'm in bed sleeping. I say "believe it." He then proceeds to tell me about how he is so proud of himself because he stopped what he called "The Partygirl Cycle" (actually, he used my real name) and that he went to this big work thing and only drank club soda while everyone drank themselves silly. He said, "God, I was really starting to feel like YOU." I was like, great thanks. So he says he's going to stop in the local bar on the way home and asks me if I want to come. I said no.

So I lay down again, but now I'm awake, and I'm thinking about him sitting alone at the bar and I feel bad, so I ponder, should I go? Maybe I should go. No, I should get some sleep. No, maybe I should go? Okay, I'll just call him and ask him.

So, I call the cell and ask, "Are you there by yourself?" and he says, "no, it's okay, I just met someone." Of course you did. Every night he meets "the one."

I hang up and go back to bed. The phone rings again. "Hi, I want you to talk to X, she's a dancer and she would be good for that event you are doing." And he puts her on the phone. I'm like "hi" and this girl with a drunk high-pitched voice starts listing off her resume - mainly nameless independent films probably shot by some NYU kid, and I'm just silently thinking someone please shoot me now. I finally get a word in and tell the drunk dancer just to give her number to A. and he'll pass it on to me.

He gets back on the phone and thanks me for my "help." He'll call me tomorrow. Can't wait.

Which brings me to, last night. I am TRYING to watch Felicity, when he calls.

His connection is breaking up but I catch, "you are my nanny...I have two children...Megan and Nicole, they are 2 and 4...the mother is Kate...we aren't married...Kate is Jewish...I'll explain later."

The next thing I know, I'm on with another high-pitched drunk girl asking me if the "kids" are up. I'm like, nooooo. She asks, can you put them on? So I explain how I can't be waking up the kids this late as it was impossible to get them down for the night. She asks me if I will bring the kids to the bar. No, I tell her.

Then some random guy gets on the phone, asking how many kids I am watching, who the mother is, etc.

Then A. gets on the phone and says, "Thanks. I owe you huge. I just met this girl and she's in on the joke. You're going to love her. I told her, she is EXACTLY like you....she's so cute (thanks, I guess?)...I'll call you tomorrow."

So we spoke today. I mentioned that one my friends just told me that A. apparently has this MAJOR job. He's silent. So I continue, "I mean, C. told me that you work at this major Wall Street company and you are like, THE MAN. Like internationally known. Is this true?" And he says, "Partygirl, for 2 years, I have been trying to tell you this. And now you believe it because C. told you???" And then he asks, "Good, I am finally going to get some respect now." And I replied, "Well, I wouldn't go that far...but at least I know you actually WORK."

I'm not sure that my story has a point. Really I have no idea why I told you about this bizarre realtionship.

Although, it may be because he is moving to London soon for this REALLYREALLYREALLY big job and may be there for 2 years and selfishly, I have told him that I don't think he should go.

He told me that I could quit my job and go with him, and he will support me, but I told him that just wouldn't be right. As much as I bitch about working, I couldn't be unemployed and sponge off someone else. Unless, of course, I were married. Which is not an option in this case.

But really, I will be sad when he goes. Because even though he drives me crazy, he is my best friend.

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